A month or more ago, I wrote about how dissatisfied I was with my career. Several thoughtful people responded. Then I did a quick turn around and said everything was totally fine, after all. Really!
It's not. I discussed my unhappiness with several friends this weekend. These are the poor souls who are forced to listen to my complaining from time to time. I'm still struggling to find out what I want to be when I grow up.
With my very close Minnesota woman friend, I shared career feelings I have never shared with anyone. She has long advocated I remain in my current career. After we spoke this weekend, she changed her mind.
I do need to be strong during this time. Please keep in mind that I really have little choice in holding to this attitude. I'm merely doing what I must. I admit, though, that over the last few months and for the first time in my life I feel - darn near totally capable of making my way in the world and succeeding in the ways that I wish. The rub comes in with figuring out what I want to do or, perhaps more accurately, how to accomplish career and other goals that fit my life. I do not expect to get to where I want to be immediately.
It still helps to have friends who will patiently listen, on occasion, to my doubts and concerns. They are true gems, spending time with this sometimes cranky, petulant, whiny close to 59-year old.
Seriously, I am blessed to have so many wonderful people in my life. Including many here who write now and then.Fortunately, I accept that I can 'let my hair down' and simply be who I am at the moment with friends. At times, I feel a bit anxious and confused.
I take some comfort from a movie, of all things, that portrays a very strong woman who has her own moments of doubt and insecurity. At times, she even whines in a convincing imitation of me!
The movie is the HBO miniseries "Elizabeth I" starring Helen Mirren, one of my favorite actresses.After I saw the miniseries, I read a number of biographies on Elizabeth, the Virgin Queen (well, cleverly marketed as a virgin wedded to the State of England while having a series of lovers on the side - I'm getting off track, as usual.) She was a fascinating woman who, biographers agree, certainly had her own weaknesses. I have no desire or aptitude let alone the opportunity to achieve all she did. The point is, she often did what she had to do to survive in circumstances MUCH more difficult than mine. She still complained at times, or wished her life were different. She could be quite petulant and unreasonably demanding of herself and others. Just like me, she had to push through her own weaknesses and doubts to get to where she knew she had to be.
More on the career, and the reasons I feel I must get out of this line of work if at all possible, another time. For now, I'll say that in the past I've succeeded at making some fairly nifty life changes. Not that they've all been easy.
If I can continue in the same job type I'm in now until mid-April, I'll be happy. This will very likely be the case. If, by some chance, I gain at least an entry into an alternate career field before April, all the better.
So I will be extraordinarily busy over the next few weeks at my current job and investigating new opportunities in more than one career field. What fun!
It will all be worth it in the end.'X' - a touchy subject today. What happened may signal the end of our relationship. Briefly (yeah, right, you say), he behaved in an appalling manner, in a fairly loud voice in a public place. A church, no less. I will not repeat here some of the things he said that others heard. What he said had nothing to do with me. I warned him that he was upsetting me and not behaving well. If he continued I would leave the church early. He did not 'cease and desist' so I left the sanctuary in tears. I did wait for him in my car so he would not be stranded after he sat through the rest of the service alone. I was over the tears many hours ago.
When he returned to the car after the service, he tried to tell me that his behavior was no big deal. I responded that he was dismissing my feelings, never a good thing to do with anyone. I added that what happened involved one of my core values and this was a very big deal. We had a talk about the whole thing as I drove him back to his car. He was going to treat me to breakfast but, after the scene in church, I told him no thanks.
Our relationship has been making big strides. I understand what prompted his behavior in church, but I do not condone it. He's old enough to know that there are times to keep his thoughts to himself. I do not know how this will end.
I told him that, if he wants to see our relationship continue, he needs to regain my respect and remain sensitive to my feelings. How he does this, if he chooses to, is up to him. I let him know getting my respect back absolutely does not involve buying me something. At least for now, I'm not at all upset over things.