My life

[Danya (imported)]

As always, good to hear from you, Danya. It sounds as though there are more and more opportunities opening up to you..Maybe it's the economy bouncing back, or maybe it's just you...Maybe both. After your surgery, life should take more rigid bent. You' ll be less stressed with it done and moved toward your goal .( Which I can only surmise)...smooches dragonfly

Hi Drangonfly,

Things are strange at the office. I only fully realized how strange when I overheard a conversation between my boss and her own supervisor. She clearly thought I had left for the day. What she was saying made it clear that she is totally aware of something I suspected was at least partly unconscious. I'm referring to her very manipulative treatment of subordinates and others.

I do not go out of my way to listen in on other peoples' conversations. On the other hand, I follow the advice of a mentor in my life several decades ago: "Keep your big ears open and your big mouth shut." She was a retired school principle and understood the political games that go on everywhere.

My young friend and mentor, who left the company about a month ago for another permanent job, sent me an email last week. He said that one part of him hoped that my contract would be extended. Mostly, though, he thought it best for me to get away from the 'negative vibes' at the end of the aisle. He was referring to my boss. Before he left, he used stronger, unfavorable language to describe her. He also told me there were others who felt the same way.

I am feeling very upbeat, despite the unpleasant situation at the office.

Earlier this week, a recruiter sent me a job description that fit my qualifications. The location made it difficult for me to resist saying I was interested. It is in Monterey, California. I have been to Monterey a number of times. When I was a research chemist I presented papers at a national symposium held at the Asilomar Conference Center in Pacific Grove, on the Monterey peninsula. This area is one of the most beautiful places I have had the good fortune to visit.

In the winter months, there are certain trees in the area loaded down with hibernating Monarch butterflies that migrate to this frost-free location.

When I first trekked to Pacific Grove to give a talk, I was in the midst of dealing with my first attack of Post Traumatic Stress. A result of having been assaulted 5 years earlier. It was an emotionally difficult time for me. I started to go into more details but I cannot.

All I'll say is that the view over the Pacific from Asilomar as the sun set, my first evening there, was extraordinarily beautiful. The clouds were on fire as I looked out on what seemed lake an impossibly large expanse of ocean. I crouched on the sand to view the myriad see creatures tenaciously clinging to rocks in the pounding surf.

I cannot believe how difficult this is for me even now, 21 years after that time on the beach. I'm sobbing. I do not often think back to this time.

I remember feeling all of the wonders surrounding me were painfully beautiful. Almost too beautiful to bear in the midst of the pain I was feeling. I had lost all belief in a Creator. Not in an academic "God is dead" way but in a cut to the soul, searing pain of being abandoned and utterly alone.

I am fine, or at least as fine as I can be given what I experienced. I worked through my post traumatic stress in what turned out to be a very positive way. My therapist at the time was initially against the approach I took, but later commended me. Still, I know that I carry emotional scars from being assaulted. Now I realize that it was not just thinking of Monterey that brought these memories back. Wednesday evening, 'X' told me that his young college friend that I have helped with chemistry was assaulted by his brother. His friend called him for advice. 'X' recounted all the details to me. I was able to offer additional feedback.

When I started writing this, I did not intend for it to go in this direction. In the past, I have usually deleted this type of post before saving it.

[Danya (imported)]

After my last post, with one sentence noting I am doing well surrounded by rather serious subjects, I realized I need to lighten up.

I just spoke with a friend on the phone and I know I must have sounded a little down. That's because I took my prescription mood stabilizer earlier today. It can be a little too stabilizing while making me sleepy, too. I feel like I need a nap, but I don't have time.

Today has been terrific so far. I know this may be too much information for some of you, but this morning I had my second weekly session of electrolysis "down south." This is in preparation for my scheduled GRS date of April 19. The treatments are rather painful! After a few minutes, I get used to the pain.

Electrolysis work on my face: we are reducing the weekly treatment to 1 or, at most, 1 1/2 hours. I may be able to stop these treatments in a few months. When I started in early March, I had lengthy sessions of 4 - 6 hours for a number of weekends to get a jump start on things.

'X' and I are getting along better than ever. Tonight, he is treating me to a concert of a Beatles tribute band that is reported to be the best in the USA. Before the concert, we will go out to dinner. I'm having my usual difficulty: deciding what to wear!

This Thursday, he will see a specialist about his learning problems. I am happy he is following through on this. Despite his difficulties with memorization, a lifelong issue, he continues to do very well at college. He is a very diligent student and studies long hours at the library and has several tutors. He is enthusiastic about his course work, interactions with much younger students and teachers and thoughts of his eventual goal. I get a kick out of his pleasure. He just turned 58 and he is competing well with much younger students. He is mentoring some, too, and he enjoys this.

After completing his Associate's degree, he wants to go to pharmacy school. I think he can do it. There may be some obstacles because of his age. If you want something badly enough, and 'X' is going after this with passion, things can be made to work.

Whatever our long term feelings for each other turn out to be, I do not think the relationship can last. Neither one of us has our own place now. He cannot afford it and, for now, I cannot either. I doubt I will want my own place until sometime after GRS. Certainly not until there is more stability in my work life. Besides, he may wind up leaving the area when he goes to pharmacy school. I may well decide I want to live someplace else. I still love Chicago, but I am tiring of the long commutes.

Both of us would prefer to live in the western part of the US.

I'm continuing to spend time reviewing music theory. I was excited to find a web site where you can download free music scores. This is really cool! I listen to a symphony or choral work and try to determine what's going on in the composition. Later, I check out my conclusions by reviewing the published score. This is lots of fun and I'm learning a lot.

Learning music theory is proving to be much easier the second, much later, time around. In part, I am more free to trust my musical intuition and judgment. It also helps that, over the years, the repertoire of music I have played is much larger now. Many of the text examples are based on music I am very familiar with.

On the job front, I'm not losing sleep over the uncertainty in my employment. It seems my boss is deliberately avoiding returning calls from the agency I work for. They've left several messages over the last two weeks asking her to call. They want to ask if she will extend my contract beyond its Dec 20 expiration.

She was on my case late Wednesday. She does not pick me out for this unwelcome attention. She does the same to other people. I was getting fed up, though, and finally asked if she would prefer I leave the company. She immediately replied "No, there's way too much work to do." Her entire tone changed at this point. I had the next day off. She told me to enjoy myself and "not worry about this place." Friday, she was uncharacteristically sweet.

I knew I was on relatively safe ground when I asked if she would rather not have me there. Although she is interviewing candidates for the position left open by my young mentor, in early December the other contractor will leave. After December, her only remaining permanent employee is moving to another department. This does not guarantee that she will extend my contract. If she does, I will be glad to continue there because I am now much more familiar with corporate systems. The job will also likely tide me over until surgery in mid-April. I am very excited about that.

While I wait to learn what her decision is, and I may not know until the last moment, I'm taking action to find another job. Very soon, this will become more difficult because of the holidays. Come January, and the start of new budget years, things will open up more.

Even now, there are far more jobs advertised than when I was looking early this year. I will get everything to work out.

[Danya (imported)]

There are signs my boss will extend my contract at the downtown, multinational corporation where I work. As time passes, and I do more work for people outside her own dwindling group, I get more praise about the quality of my work and how quickly I pick up the important points. Word of the favorable views of my work spreads, while my boss never has a positive thing to say. Such is her way and not just with me. Of course, my contract may still end as scheduled in late December. If it does, I will work things out.

That may mean moving to another part of the country yet again. I would likely postpone that until after my scheduled GRS date in April. Early next year, I will take what jobs I can get to make ends meet. Recruiters continue to call regularly, so it is likely I can get another contract before long.

After recovering from surgery, I will very definitely consider a move for several reasons:

1. The economy is not expected to improve significantly in 2011. The Federal Reserve's plan to buy $600 billion in bonds is predicted to reduce the national unemployment rate a few tenths of a percentage point by the end of next year.

2. Over the last year, rightly or wrongly, I have concluded that there are fundamental, structural changes happening with the economy. I am not an economist and I do not claim to be an expert on the economy. Still, I doubt that things will ever return to the way they were before this latest recession. I must be able to go where I have the best chances of staying employed. I am fortunate that what I do is in fairly high demand and that demand is predicted to increase sharply over at least the next eight years.

3. The Chicago area is lagging, by a significant margin, the recovery seen in certain other job markets that are out-performing the national economy. Unemployment has declined here in the time since I arrived in early March. The Chicago metro area unemployment rate is now about 9.4%, not very different from the national average. Despite this, there are good reasons for me to remain here and I hope I can. Ultimately, though, I will do what I must. 'X' is well aware of this and encourages me to move if that is best.

4. If I decide to move after surgery, I will thoroughly research regional economies before choosing an area. If I were to make a decision today, I would know what to do. The situation may be very different by mid-May of 2011.

'X' - I told him a few days ago that I cannot afford to see him as often. Until now, we were sometimes meeting 5 - 6 times a week. Things would be different if we did not live so far apart. I must save more money in preparation for surgery.

I am beginning to feel, again, that 'X' and I may have some irreconcilable differences, after all. I love him, though, which complicates everything. Whatever differences we have may yet prove to be unimportant.

My young Hindu friend at the office, the one who always calls me "Ma'am", was let go with no notice. He was told budgetary constraints were the problem. I was devastated when I heard the news. I am serving as a reference for him. He is searching around the country for another contract job.

[butterflyjack (imported)]

You continue to amaze me, Danya...smooches dragonfly

[Danya (imported)]

You continue to amaze me, Danya...smooches dragonfly

Hi Dragonfly,

All I'm doing is trying very hard to make it through a difficult time. Far too many people have suffered through tough times in this still challenging economy. Many find that, after a difficult adjustment period to a lay-off or similar hardship, they are stronger than they ever suspected. I am fortunate, too, in that "I get by with a little help from my friends."

That being said, I appreciate your generous comment.

I saw my psychiatrist a few weeks ago. It was time to get some prescriptions refilled. I'm hoarding some of these to cover the possibility of going without health insurance in early 2011.

Anyway, I was in a good mood when I spoke with my shrink. He commented that I was clearly doing well. He knows I do not yet have a permanent job. He commented that just about everyone is nervous about jobs these days. Those that have permanent jobs, those that have no jobs and those who have temporary jobs, like me. Then he complained about health insurance. He ended with "What's the difference, we'll all be dead in 10 - 20 years anyway." I will gladly take whatever time I have left on this very good earth and live as full a life as possible.

I knew it was inappropriate to give my moody shrink a hug , so I did not. His down spirits did not affect my upbeat mood. Just like anyone else, however, I have down days. He will write the second and final required letter, to meet the World Professional Society of Transgender Health guidelines, supporting my goal of Gender Reassignment Surgery.

For some reason, my shrink and even my HRT doctor got the idea that I had GRS quite awhile ago. I recently set both of them straight.

[Danya (imported)]

This afternoon from the office, I sent a friend some thoughts on Thanksgiving. I copied my personal email address. The corporate legalese at the bottom of the email far surpassed the length of what I wrote.

This is part of the note I sent my friend:

"I’ll spend at least part of the day [Thanksgiving]

with 'X', his daughter, son-in-law,

and his adorable 3-year old granddaughter. There will also be in-laws present. Everyone seems to get along well and they are all welcoming.

My life is hectic for now, with continuing job uncertainty. Over the last year, I've given up my home and privacy to rent a small room in someone else’s home nearly 400 miles from my original location and friends. I've also given away or sold most of my belongings. None of what I have relinquished has proven to be a major loss requiring a significant adjustment. There are some very positive aspects with all of these changes and even my ongoing lack of job ‘security.’

I miss no more than a few things. My piano is perhaps the only example. I need to renew my efforts to find a place to practice and, perhaps, perform.

Considering losses and gains, and how far I have come in my life journey over the last year, I have a lot to be thankful for."I am very thankful, most of all for being able to lead the life I was born for, as Danya. Whatever I have given up to stay on this path is truly of little consequence when considered in light of the joy I experience in finally being my "true self."

Of course, I still experience life's problems and often do not react in anything close to the "amazing" fashion some here so kindly ascribe to me. For several days this last weekend and into Tuesday morning, I was feeling down. Why? I realized that 2011 may, in many ways, be my most difficult year yet.

How so? If my contract job is not extended in late December and I do not soon find another, I will need to tap into my dwindling life savings yet again. I will not be eligible for full unemployment insurance because I will not have worked long enough. In that way, my cicumstances will be more dire than when I went 10 1/2 months without a job beginning in August, 2009. I'll also be without health insurance for the first time.

After a few days of worry, I somehow let go of my fears about my uncertain future. I was not able to do this so easily or quickly a year ago June, when I first learned I would lose my job, or in 5 - 6 months that followed. Now, for some reason I feel more alive as I accept all this uncertainty.

With all this uncertainty come possibilities. Mostly, I catch nothing more than glimpses of what good things might yet be part of my life. That is enough.

I know that I will have times ahead when I wonder how I will make it over the next hurdle. I will worry a bit and then do what always saves the day: take action. Fortunately for me, the lag time is decreasing between worry and action. Usually, anyway. I'm still capable of learning!

There is always my safe place in Minnesota, should I need it, with my close woman friend there. At this point, though, I don't view this as a desirable or viable option. And not only because it's snowing again in the Twin Cities.

'X' treated me to dinner tonight and we had a relaxing evening together. I told him I need to cut back on my already low discretionary spending for our times tog

ether. I warned him, again, that

I might have to move to another part of the country for a job. I know he eventually wants a serious relationship. For now, he has his sights set on me. Over dinner, I gently told him that I did not see much possibility of this happening for us. Considering my financial and work situations. I was not ruling it out by any means. What I was doing was giving him my explicit permission to date someone else. Someone with a place of her own and a stable job. Of course, he does not need my permission to date anyone. But I needed to let him know that I want what is best for him. For now, we are continuing to see each other.

[Danya (imported)]

I was very happy to hear this afternoon that my young Hindu friend has found a new contract job. A few weeks ago, he was released from his assignment at the company where I continue to work. It took him roughly three weeks to land the new position. Turns out he had a second offer. Both are for contract work. Both are also out of state. The job he is accepting is in Virginia.

He is a very ambitious young man of 28. I am more than old enough to be his mother, yet we get along very well and share many of the same outlooks on spirituality and life. I've enjoyed many long conversations with him.

We do not agree on everything, especially on career paths. He is convinced I should be in a leadership role. Fairly early in my career as a research chemist, I was told I could advance as far as I wanted to go. I was already supervising several people and I did not want more management responsibilities.

Now, away from the world of science, I have even less desire to be a manager. It has always seemed to me that the personal costs of climbing the corporate latter are too steep.

A week or so ago, my young friend told me that once he found work he wanted to take me to dinner. He wants 'X' to come, too. That may not happen, as 'X' is very busy preparing for final exams. Perhaps it will be easiest if I dine with my young friend alone. There is something special about the bond we share and, because of this, 'X' is something of an outsider.

My friend's quick success in finding another contract job has given me a lot to think about. He told me local recruiter's have jobs here in the Chicago area. The hiring companies, however, are taking a lot of time making decisions. He did not feel he could wait for a possible job when offers came in elsewhere. He forwarded me the names of recruiter's who helped him find his two offers.

I still do not know if my contract will be extended. As it stands, it is set to end Dec 20. I'm going to start checking into jobs in several other areas of the country tomorrow and Sunday. It's possible, then, that I may soon move away from Chicago. 'X' has always known this is a possibility. He's even encouraged me to go after jobs forwarded by recruiters outside of Illinois. He does not know, however, that I will now actively look not only locally, but also across the country. Up to now, I have not seriously considered leaving Chicago partly because of my relationship with 'X'. Now I feel I need to consider all options. Yet I do not know if I will have the heart to leave this area now. I'm a bit shocked that I'm even considering leaving Chicago so soon.

Against all reason , I still love this area. I went to the Botanic Garden today. I had dressed warmly and walked for an hour outside. A few hardy flowers were still blooming. Then I enjoyed the just opened Christmas display in the main building. This was exceptionally well done, down to the artificial snow falling over model scenes from around the city surrounded by lit trees and blooming Christmas plants. Afterward, I drove down Sheridan Road to downtown. I always find taking this scenic route along Lake Michigan relaxing. Once downtown, I traveled down Michigan Avenue, where I enjoyed seeing the crowds of shoppers and the Christmas lights. Later, I met 'X' for dinner and an inexpensive movie.

Whatever I do will be with two goals in mind. Staying employed and keeping my GRS date of April 19.

I spoke with my electrologist during our 7:30 AM session today. She says there should be no problem if I stop facial treatments soon. All she is working on now is very fine hair. I do not think I'm quite as far along as she does, but I am very happy with the results. I have confidence she is right in saying any additional facial work would not take much more time or money.

I may be too busy job hunting to write for awhile.

[NaziNuts (imported)]

Danya, we love ya.

Thanks for keeping us posted.

- NN

(I know I have used that first line before but I still like it. I amuse easily and you progress bravely and with grace. Peace, and may you be right on time for your pieces reassignment surgery.)

[Mac (imported)]

Danya,

Best wishes to you in finding your next position.

[Danya (imported)]

Danya, we love ya.

Thanks for keeping us posted.

- NN

(I know I have used that first line before but I still like it. I amuse easily and you progress bravely and with grace. Peace, and may you be right on time for your pieces reassignment surgery.)

Hi NN,

It's always good to hear from you.

People who know me well, and who themselves are gracious in tolerating my occasional(?) whining , would likely agree I'm merely doing wha

t I must as I progress down this path. I thank you for yo

ur generous words and encouragement.

Hugs,

Danya

Danya,

Best wishes to you in finding your next position.

Hi Mac,

Thanks for writing. I'm doing well. This evening I applied for several jobs in the Chicago region. More soon - perhaps tonight!

Hugs,

Danya