My life

[JessicaH (imported)]

Considering how many hours of our lives are consumed by our careers it is essential to do something we enjoy if we are going to have happy and meaningful lives. Many peope don't have a choice and do a job that they hate all their lives.

Many of us have invested much time in money toward educating ourselves so that we can choose the work we do which can give much satisfaction. Sometimes we go through all that only to find what we worked so hard for isn't as rewarding as we thought it would be which can really break us down when we realize it.

Depresssion can also seep the joy out of everything we do, especially in our careers and relationships. It clouds the future and makes us pessimistic about the direction that we are headed. I do hope that you are at a moment of realization and not slowly sinking into a bout of depression.

Thank you for writing what's in your heart as many of us care about how you are and how you feel.

hugs, Stacy

[Danya (imported)]

Hi Danya....Lots of emotions and indecision going on , eh? At the very least, it appears you could use something at the end of your workday to relax and find some reward...the SRS surgery could be put on the back burner for awhile, too...The less stress , the better....Just an observation....You're amazing...

big smooches dragonfly

Hi dragonfly,

Emotions are Me! All my life I have been emotional. Since I transitioned, my emotions have intensified. Nearly all of the time, this is a very good thing.

I am indecisive about some things right now. Lately, it seems like my entire future rests on making exactly the right choices over the next month or two. This is absurd. As usual, I am putting too much pressure on myself. A friend here mentioned that I am a hard taskmaster, on myself. Others have told me this over the years. I have high expectations for what I will accomplish and how I will live my life. My self-imposed standards are similarly high.

I do not expect others to adhere to these qualities. As for me, I made some peace years ago with my own expectations. Now, I usually know when to let go of my expectations and when not to. Good things can happen when I pursue my dreams.

I agree, less stress is better. Individual perceptions of what constitutes stress are very different. I find that not being sufficiently challenged at work or by the music I play on the piano, for instance, can be stressful. Still, I am under too much stress now.

You are absolutely correct. I need somethng fun at the end of the work day. To do this, I need to make my commuting time shorter and more pleasant. I have started taking the Metra commuter train instead of the 'L.' The Metra station is only one-third the distance of the 'L.' The traffic is also much lighter driving to Metra.

I will not postpone GRS (SRS) unless a compelling reason arises to do this. My scheduled surgery date is just one month shy of the three year anniversary of my transitioning. I am close to 59 years old, too. For several reasons, I need to proceed with surgery on April 19. I want to feel some closure, for one thing. I also want to be able to live my life fully as a woman, including physical intimacy.

Yesterday, Friday. I was in a bad mood at the office. The project I was working on was tedious while requiring high accuracy. I decided to listen to a Bee Gees CD. The high energy of some of the songs turned the day around. I felt energized and engaged.

In another post, I may write about my 'reverse' musical education. I have loved classical music, and later jazz, since I was a young child. I very rarely listened to popular music. Since transitioning, my appreciation for popular music has been increasing. My love for classical music and jazz remains strong.

Earlier in the week, I drove to the Chicago Botanic Garden after work. I needed the exercise and this place is a refuge for me. As I neared the exit for the garden, I was listening to an Eagles song. I was so intent on picking up the chord sequence the band used to modulate to another key that I drove right by the exit.

Thanks for your kind thoughts and concern.

Hugs,

Danya

Considering how many hours of our lives are consumed by our careers it is essential to do something we enjoy if we are going to have happy and meaningful lives. Many peope don't have a choice and do a job that they hate all their lives.

Many of us have invested much time in money toward educating ourselves so that we can choose the work we do which can give much satisfaction. Sometimes we go through all that only to find what we worked so hard for isn't as rewarding as we thought it would be which can really break us down when we realize it.

Depresssion can also seep the joy out of everything we do, especially in our careers and relationships. It clouds the future and makes us pessimistic about the direction that we are headed. I do hope that you are at a moment of realization and not slowly sinking into a bout of depression.

Thank you for writing what's in your heart as man

y of us care about how you are and how you feel.

hugs, Stacy

Hi Stacy,

I will share what my psychiatrist told me about a month ago. He knows I was an emotionally abandoned (i.e., abused) child and, as a result, I never had a childhood. He knows I have dealt with major depression since I was a young child.

He told me that if he had started seeing me by the age of 15, several times a week and for 10 - 15 years (!), I probably would not need the very effective antidepressant I now take. I told him that I had dealt with my 'lack of ever being a child' issues over a period of several decades and that everything was now 'fine.' He correctly told me that my description of how I dealt with this was an 'academic discussion.' He added that, while I think I have worked through everything to completion, this is not true. What really goes on is that I am not entirely aware of all the ways in which my childhood abandonment still affects my life.

When I was a teen, a boy about my age spent time in a mental hospital followed by some intense out patient therapy. He was a very different, much happier and well adjusted young man after this. I remember fervently wishing my parents would send me for help, too.

During our visit, my psychiatrist said taking my antidepressant is a good compromise that enables me to function very well and enjoy life. Most of the time, anyway. He is right.

I very much appreciate your concern. In another post, I will discuss my life direction in more detail.

Hugs,

Danya

[Danya (imported)]

I am feeling entirely back to normal, at least my version of 'normal.' There are a lot of things going on in my life and, now and then, I start to feel overwhelmed. As long as I leave sufficient time for fun, I am fine.

'X' had a large role in helping me relax this week. Wednesday, I took the nearby Metra line to work. I caught the express train at the end of the day, with no stops between downtown and my station. The trip lasted a mere 33 minutes. During the ride, I called 'X' who said it would be nice to see me that evening. OK, I thought. That means I will have to commute back into the city, traveling at least 18 miles through potentially very heavy traffic. I quickly decided to make the trip. It took me over an hour.

I met him at his college, where he was studying late in the library. He took me to dinner. I then dropped him off at his car, which he had left in the school parking garage. I wanted to see the view from level 6, at the top. This is where he always parks. He often spends some time between classes sitting in his car eating lunch.

When I call and he is in that spot, he comments on the great view of downtown. It's roughly 10 miles distant and he says he can look and know where I am. I wanted to see this view. There was a little haze near ground level of downtown, but the sky was clear. What he calls his "billion dollar view" was spectacular.

I had given up helping 'X' with most of his chemistry, in part because I did not feel I was the best person for the job. Friday, though, he called me at the office. He was feeling discouraged as he tried to grasp the principles of stereochemistry. This part of organic chemistry can be difficult, at least initially. In part because it requires you to visualize three dimensional molecules and rotate them into different orientations in your head. I did a quick review of the subject on the web. That evening, I met 'X' for dinner. I was able to explain things in a way that he grasped the basic concepts and completed his homework. This left both of us very happy.

He had gone over the same material with his tutor that morning and gotten nowhere. Of course, she is a student herself and, while she has completed the course he is now struggling with, she does not have my background. Being able to help 'X' gave me more confidence that I can be an effective tutor to bring in more money. Or teach this class myself. I had been uncertain because it has been 40 years since I studied organic chemistry. I did not use most of my own knowledge in my career as a scientist.

This morning, I went to the botanic garden to walk - and over analyze my life. I got things back in a better perspective after spending the rest of the day with 'X.'

This afternoon, he sanded, primed and painted a damaged area of my car. We then went to dinner and saw a $4 movie in a town near O'Hare. As we were going back to his place, we saw one of those signs that often give misleading information about the driving time to the 'Circle.' The convergence of several interstate highways right next to the financial district downtown.

This evening, the sign gave an estimated travel time to the Circle of 14 minutes. 'X' said, "let's go." He teased me about submarine races in Lake Michigan, supposedly out of the Naval Station - Great Lakes in North Chicago.

Long before we parted at 11 PM, I was completely relaxed. I had also come to a conclusion on my work life. More on that another time. It's late and I have a morning electrolysis appointment.

[butterflyjack (imported)]

Wonderful, Danya...I see that tutoring has awakened a spark of hope in a possible new career move..Intellect and compassion such as yours should not go to waste...Your students await! Smooches dragonfly

[Danya (imported)]

Wonderful, Danya...I see that tutoring has awakened a spark of hope in a possible new career move..Intellect and compassion such as yours should not go to waste...Your students await! Smooches dragonfly

Hi dragonfly,

You are very kind. :

)

As for my career, for the time being I need to stay with what I am doing. The few unemployment support groups I attended while still in Minnesota encouraged "bridge" career moves. This can mean remaining with what you have the most recent experience in while trying to move within your organization to a more satisfying job. Or, it can mean staying with what you know best until you have the time and resources to move to something else.

When I wrote the post about my near total job dissatisfaction, I was in a really bad mood. Things unrelated to my career were influencing what I wrote. Down the road, I very well may make a serious effort to work in a more satisfying job that aligns better with my interests. For now, I need enough money to continue expensive electrolysis treatments and help pay for Gender Reassignment Surgery (i.e., SRS.)

While my career path right now is not the one I would most prefer, I am not that unhappy with it, either. There are many days when I leave the office satisfied with what I have done. There are a number of desirable things about my job.

Whether this is a good thing or not, I am capable in several technical and in some of what many view as creative activities. With a technical job, having outlets in music, for instance, gives me some balance in my life. Then everything goes better.

Albert Einstein noted that "After a certain high level of technical skill is achieved, science and art tend to coalesce in esthetics, plasticity, and form. The greatest scientists are always artists as well." I'm not a great scientist or artist. Still, I could always relate to this quote. Science, mathematics, music, other performing arts and the visual arts - in their essence these are all highly creative endeavors. Genuine creativity in one tends to spill over into other areas that may, when first considered, seem unrelated.

[Danya (imported)]

I learned today that I will have a phone interview, on Wednesday, for a permanent internal position at the company I am working at as a contractor. This is good news, whatever I decide to do with my career down the road. For one thing, the company is one of the very few that pays for Gender Reassignment Surgery. Secondly, you start out with four weeks of vacation. Finally, as several recruiters have pointed out, being able to use this company's name is a great way to 'build a resume.' I read today that many college graduates in certain fields rate this place as highly desirable. Perhaps that is worth something.

Should I be offered a permanent position, now or down the road, and decide I want to stay in this business after all there is another very strong plus. Given a little time, I would be able to move anyplace I want in the country. The company is so distributed, location is irrelevant. One of my boss's staff members works in Nevada, another is in Manhattan and a third is in California. These people make up her entire contigent of permanet employees.

Having a permanent job of this type would give me a little security. I would feel in a better spot to replace the fine digital piano I sold when I moved here. I could get back in practice, putting me in a better spot to apply for staff organist jobs. Being a musician is the only paying job I've ever had that rarely feels like work. I can practice the pipe organ for 7 - 8 hours straight, not noticing when people enter and leave.

There are two things that could keep me here. My love of Chicago and 'X.' More about the latter another time.

Tomorrow night, I will put in a lot of time preparing for the phone interview.

Still waiting for word from the other company I interviewed with several times.

Other promising news: I'm being contacted by several recruiters a day for contract-to-hire and permanent jobs. Most of these are in Chicagoland. One is in Maple Grove, a Twin Cities' suburb. When I mentioned this to my close woman friend in Minnesota, she said "You don't want to move back here." She believes I am better off in the Chicago area, for several reasons. I discussed these with her before I made the final decision to move here.

We also have our suspicions about the identity of the Maple Grove company. From what I know, there at least some departments there I would want to avoid.

[Danya (imported)]

I was very happy with my phone interview this afternoon. This is for the permanent job within 'my' company. It is always difficult to predict what will happen next. I should hear soon, perhaps even by the end of this week, if I will have a second interview.

My boss is short on staff now that my young mentor, 'D', left for another job. She was already trying to increase staff before he announced his departure. It is possible that I will be able to fill 'D's' vacant position, which is a permanent job.

This evening, I decided to turn down an interview for a contract-to-hire position in a nearby suburb. The recruiter and I spoke this morning and he was confident I would be interviewed by his client within a few days. I based my decision not to pursue this on a number of factors (all quite boring! - I just feel like writing):

Current employer:

There are continuing opportunities opening all the time

They are diversified in a large number of product lines

Considered one of the very best

Has continued to prosper throughout the recession and continues to do so

Is an exceptionally well managed corporation

Many opportunities for mobility among job types

Boss and others already know and like my work

Very trans friendly

Company I turned down for interview:

Makes one core type of product - likely high vulnerability to market cycles

Job would require 20% travel, and

Wants a whole lot - other recruiters have told me the pay for these types of responsibilities, given my experience, is far too low.

If I had no other options in the works, I would go for the interview and be glad for the chance. I am fortunate to have reached the point where I feel free to turn this down.

I was contacted by three other recruiters today. I will go ahead and apply for a different contract-to-hire 'opportunity.' This is at a well-known university. The job description is very interesting.

Things with 'X' are going far better than I thought possible awhile back. I just spent a relaxing evening with him. Sunday evening, we are going to a classical music concert at his college. One of my favorite piano concertos, by Robert Schumann, is on the program.

I may try to help 'X' a bit with some of his calculus studies. This is a difficult class. He wrote this morning that he was feeling discouraged. It would be more work for me to assist with calculus than with chemistry. I was not a math major. Although I enjoyed calculus and took it for 3 semesters, I have not used it in decades.

Monday evening, I wrote a fairly long email to a number of friends. Most of them were not aware of the latest developments in my life (job prospects, GRS date, dating, music studies). One of a number of good things to come with transitioning has been my increased ease in forming friendships. I was very happy to receive a number of lengthy responses.

One friend in Europe is a terrific woman who transitioned late in life. She made the first connection between us, after she stumbled on the personal web site I had back then. We have spoken on the phone a number of times. In her reply to my email, she told me she might be visiting Chicago within the next year. It would be great to meet her. We've enjoyed spirited email exchanges about all kinds of musical topics.

[Danya (imported)]

One day, I hope to be entirely open about who I am. I have no desire to make a political statement. I do not want to 'fight' for trans rights. What I hope to do is increase awareness of trans folks and, thereby, play a small role in furthering acceptance.

I have always been interested in helping people. Over the years, I have come up with various excuses for not following dreams to become:

1. a minister (as a teen and again in my 30s) - applied to seminaries more than once. Accepted but never went.

2. a college professor (throughout my undergraduate years and while going through my first stint at grad school) - offered college instructor position when I got my degree, I turned it down because I thought it would not lead any place.

3. a physician (as a college student and again in my early 30s) - offered interviews to medical school while a student,which I turned down - later was ready to apply again and set to go. Ex-wife, however, said she could not handle this - said she would give me divorce instead - I chose to remain married.

4. a professional musician (high school and college) - music helps people, too - when I started college, I was a music major and continued advanced piano and organ lessons

5. a clinical psychologist (late 30s, early 40s) - investigated this heavily, opted instead to work for grad degree in chemistry - seemed like a more promising way to a secure future

Instead of following my passions, I took what seemed to be more sensible paths. I think my decisions are rooted in my family history. Duh!

For one thing, my father always said we were poor. When I was a young child, my father worked three jobs to keep a roof over our heads and food on the table. After doing this for several years, his doctor told him he needed to stop or he would die. During my teen years, he at times held part time jobs to supplement his full time income.

I have written that money has never been my prime motivator. This is true. I still prefer to earn enough so I do not wind up having to work like my father did.

When I transitioned on the job, I was surprised to receive about 40 emails of support. More than one said I was helping other people by being so open. Many months ago, I probably wrote about just how open I was at that time. Of course, there was a company-wide announcement. The HR folks asked if I would also provide a lot more information about me and trans folks. I did and this was distributed.

My 'supporters' at the office back then may have been exactly right on one thing. They said I was doing enough to increase awareness and acceptance by living openly. Someday I hope to do more.

Since then, several people have suggested I travel around the country giving talks on my experiences and also, perhaps, motivational presentations. It's tough making a living this way! Besides, this is something you have to develop over time to create demand. There are many other people doing the same thing.

Someday, though, I want to get going on this. It will mean being very open about who I am.

My European trans woman friend is an inspiration in this regard. She is rather well known in some circles. She is also very open about her transsexuality.

I want to be open with people who become friends, too. Just last week, after a lot of thought, I told someone who had no clue exactly who I am. Meaning my somewhat unusual life history. I was confident he would take the news well and he did. It wasn't a big deal at all.

I have no family, so there is no one to be concerned about other than myself. My situation is different than some other folks who transition.

None of this means I am prepared to make a general announcement at the office. I am not and do not intend to. There will be no "Hey everyone, I'm a transsexual woman!" Besides, this is the company where this is a non-issue.

Still, life can be lonely if you have to hide a major part of your personal history from everyone.

[kennath7 (imported)]

Danya

I know exactly what you mean when you say how lonely it can get hiding a major part of your life

From 8 years of age I started doing things to my self I felt so alone thinking I was the only man on earth that had such thoughts about castration it helped quite a bit when I found the EA and had others to talk to

It would be so neat if I had friends that I could hang out with that I could freely talk to with out fear of rejection or retribution

I get so excited when I read your post you have grown in leaps and bounds it dose give others hope and strength

Keep up the good work

I wish I had more money so I could visit every one that is here at the EA

[Danya (imported)]

Hi Kennath7,

I am always happy to see you have posted something. I appreciate your thoughtfulness, gentle nature and kind words.

Hugs,

Danya

I have responded to some of your post here:

Danya

I know exactly what you mean when you say how lonely it can get hiding a major part of your life

From 8 years of age I started doing things to my self I felt so alone thinking I was the only man on earth that had such thoughts about castration it helped quite a bit when I found the EA and had others to talk to

It would be so neat if I had friends that I could hang out with that I could freely talk to with out fear of rejection or retribution.

I have written this before, but it's been awhile so people may have forgotten. It's not something I think about these days, but your post reminded me. I was self-harming for several months, and on a regular basis, until I started seeing a gender therapist. I had self-harmed occasionally over the years before this heavier activity. Once I had my first appointment, I stopped and I have not self-harmed since.

My point is, while I cannot walk in your shoes and truly know what your life has been like, I can relate in some ways. I felt very alone, too, for a very long time. That's a difficult spot for anyone. Having people in our lives who understand our life struggles, or can at least empathize without making judgments, makes a huge difference.

The Archive is a terrific place for folks who are outside 'normal' (or perhaps 'abnormal would be more accurate!) societal expectations.

I get so excited when I read your post you have grown in leaps and bounds it dose give others hope and strength

Keep up the good work

I wish I had more money so I could visit every one that is here at the EA

I read your response shortly after you wrote it. I was deeply moved. That day, your words helped me a lot and I am very grateful.

In another post, I will write more about some of the things going on in my life. For now, I will mention that this remains perhaps the second most difficult time of my life. The most difficult was being assaulted and dealing with Post Traumatic Stress years later.

While this is a trying time, I also feel very fortunate. To have transitioned, to be leading the life I was born for and to still have a child-like amazement that I have arrived in this happy spot. Many people here are doing the same thing. Too may 'normal' folks never gain an understanding and appreciation of who they after a llifetime.

Work has been difficult, although I can do the job. Certain people are continuing thorns in my side. One person, in particular. For awhile, I have felt that I am in an earthly hell while at work. Today I took action to deal with this. I needed to get my mojo back and I have. I am not using 'mojo' to describe sex appeal. Nor do I mean a magic amulet. In a way, perhaps I am including those as part of a larger characteristic: self esteem. Mine had been partially in hiding.