My life

[Danya (imported)]

Hi sweety....It's great to see how you've faired so well in these past few months...I wonder if X knows what a prize he has in you...I suspect he does...

big smooches dragonfly (the sensible heels...what size?)

Hi Butterfly Jack,

I have been doing very well, although I have occasional short-lived episodes of panic, now and then. The panic comes when I dwell too much on the fact that I have a contract job, not a permanent one with health insurance. Worrying will not help. Instead, I need to remain focused on taking action to change my circumstances.

Both 'X' and my roommate offered very sound advise to help get me back on track.

Ever since I tried my new approach with 'X' and his political musings, things have gone much better for us. I never expected this to work so well or that we would start seeing each other again. Or that I would want to see him. By the way, I told him exactly what I was going to change in my approach before I started. I also laid down some ground rules. We are also taking a more sensible approach, this time around, of allowing plenty of time to get to know each other before becoming overly serious about the relationship.

'X' is doing very well in his college classes. He now has something like a 3.95 GPA. For a man in his mid-fifties, coming from a blue collar background where he was not encouraged to continue his education, going to college is quite an accomplishment. He is also fulfilling a life-long dream.

I know that some others in the trans community have had their problems with 'X.' I now think that I understand the cause of some of these problems and I am not viewing 'X' as blameless in this. It may be, though, that I am starting to see a side of him that others have not. He also says that going to college is changing him. Time will tell.

The 'sensible' heel height is close to 2 inches. These fit very well, too.

Best wishes,

Danya

[butterflyjack (imported)]

Hi Danya...You mention that X was not well accepted into the "trans community"...What comprises this community? How is X so involved in it?

What is it that he has done to anger them?

Sorry if this seems confrontational...but, your post was confusing to me...

About the shoes...I meant , what size, not heel height. I am a crossdresser (transvestite?). I meant it in a sort of joking way...(But I really love heels)

smooches dragonfly

[EricaAnn (imported)]

Hi Dayna,

I'm glad to hear you're doing well. I see by your posts that you're giving "X" another try. I hope things work out better this time around, but only time will tell.

You have survived so much over the past few years that I'm absolutely positive that you will overcome this minor obstacle or road bump. Where there is a will...there's a way, right?

Hi Danya...You mention that X was not well accepted into the "trans community"...What comprises this community? How is X so involved in it?

What is it that he has done to anger them?

Sorry if this seems confrontational...but, your post was confusing to me...

Hi butterflyjack,

As a former member of the "trans community" in the Chicago area that Danya mentioned in her post, I feel qualified to shed some light on this topic for you. The "trans community" is roughly defined as members of a very small group of people that identify as being transgendered and transsexuals, either MTF or FTM.

"X" has always shown a great deal of interest in us (MTF) and seems to enjoy the company of a transgender woman over that of genetic woman. I happen to know "X" somewhat well having been "out" myself now for a number of years. As far as angering members of the community, I can't really comment on this matter. All I'm willing to say is that he does not enjoy the best of reputation among us. Kind of a "tranny chaser" situation, if you know what I mean?

I use the term "former" refering to myself as many of us that are now post op no longer consider ourselves as T-girls or transgendered woman but simply as women.

I hope this helps resolve any confusion you may have.

[butterflyjack (imported)]

Thanks for this light shedding ...I hope Danya and X are happy...And I wish that for you, too...smooches dragonfly

[Danya (imported)]

Hi Dayna,

I'm glad to hear you're doing well. I see by your posts that you're giving "X" another try. I hope things work out better this time around, but only time will tell.

Hi Erica Ann,

You noted in my transition thread that 'X' had history with the trans community and we later discussed some of this. Both you and I have shared some strong words about 'X', that were not positive. So I am not blind to his history or others' opinions. Still, my latest experience with him is very different from before. I'd be deluding myself if I thought all of this difference was due to my influence or my taking a different approach to our interactions. You are absolutely correct. Time will tell.

I have been very blunt with 'X' about what will help things to work in this relationship and what will be harmful. At the same time, I have taken the new tact of dealing with political discussions in a way that diffuses tension. I do not have the time to describe this, but it has worked. Generally, we now stay away from political talks.

For now, and possibly into the future, 'X' is again bringing me a lot of happiness

You have survived so much over the past few years that I'm absolutely positive that you will overcome this minor obstacle or road bump. Where there is a will...there's a way, right?

Thank you for these words. Coming from you, someone who knows me rather well, they mean a lot. I am feeling back at my normally high confidence level.

[The rest of this response will meander a bit. I tend to write things as ideas come to mind. While I try to adhere to some organized structure, I do not always have the time to properly arrange things. In my non-virtual life, I did to jump around among ideas, too]

Our mutual hormone doctor helped make this happen. I saw him at this downtown office on Wednesday for my estrogen level check.

As people who have read my posts may recall, I have had a life-long history of major depression that is treatment resistant. The expensive, seldom used antidepressant I started in early 2007 totally relieved my depression. For the first time in my life, I knew what it was like to be free of depression. Being free of depression had the added benefit of giving me the will power to address my gender identity, beginning in Novemeber 2007. Friends helped, too. Most particularly 'our Jesus' who amazed me in late October of that year by his very caring words of support and encouragement. That was our first contact. I was floored that a total stranger would be so generous.

Lately, thinking I would hoard some of this medicine for a time I might be without insurance, I have not been using it every day. This was a mistake and I knew it. I still thought it was better to get by without the full dose and save some for 'a rainy day', so to speak. But this tactic was playing havoc with my emotional well being.

Our doctor gently, for him , let me know that I must continue to take this every day. I have been doing this and it has made a huge difference. I am happy and confident I can do what I must to get to where I need to be.

Your words, Erica Ann, and those of other kind people here along the way are a big help, too.

I want to say something I do not think I have written about before. Major depression is a genuine illness. It is a disorder of brain chemistry, whether you consider its origins as purely biological or not. There are effective treatments and not all of these rely on drugs. Unfortunately, there is still some stigma attached to a person dealing with serious depression. Some, not accepting that it is an illness, think the depressed person should be able to snap out of it. This does not work. I am not an expert on depression by any means. But I have worked hard, over a period of several decades, to alleviate my own major, life long depression. I have been fortunate in that I could afford some very good therapists. I am truly impressed by those who battle this illness, at times quite successfully, on their own.

Hi butterflyjack,

As a former member of the "trans community" in the Chicago area that Danya mentioned in her post, I feel qualified to shed some light on this topic for you. The "trans community" is roughly defined as members of a very small group of people that identify as being transgendered and transsexuals, either MTF or FTM.

I mentioned the trans community because that is where 'X' has this history. I have never felt that I was part of any particular trans community, though. I have never participated in trans support groups, gone to meetings of trans people, sought out trans people to hang out with and so on. What Erica Ann states is correct.

"X" has always shown a great deal of interest in us (MTF) and seems to enjoy the company of a transgender woman over that of genetic woman. I happen to know "X" somewhat well having been "out" myself now for a number of years. As far as angering members of the community, I can't really comment on this matter. All I'm willing to say is that he does not enjoy the best of reputation among us. Kind of a "tranny chaser" situation, if you know what I mean?

I have spoken at length with 'X' about his preference for transgender women over natal women. He has indeed been a 'tranny chaser.' I think there is the possibility that, despite his 'bad' history there is the potential for something very good in this relationship. Still, I do not think I have any illusions about this.

As I wrote in my transition thread, I now have few expectations of anyone. This does not mean I have low standards, by any means. As a wise therapist once told me, "Don't expect something from someone that they are incapable of providing. It is unfair to them and you will be disappointed."

"

I use the term "former" refering to myself as many of us that are now post op no longer consider ourselves as T-girls or transgendered woman but simply as women.

I hope this helps resolve any confusion you may have.

Although I totally understand what Erica Ann means, I never considered myself a T-girl and I now view myself as a woman. This has been made easier by my move to Illinois, where no one (including my dear friend Erica Ann) knew my former 'male' self. Everyone at work and outside of work views me as a woman. They treat me as one, too, without exception.

At work in the rest room, other women compliment me on certain outfits or jewelry. I do the same with them. It is all quite effortless and natural.

To Erica Ann's point, though, I will absolutely feel more complete after I have GRS.

I was at a movie a few weekends ago with 'X'. Afterwards, I had to use the rest room. I had to bite my lip to keep from laughing. A woman in the rest room had no clue I am transgen

der, which is the norm for me. She clearly 'clocked' or 'read' me, though, as being over 55. We had a long discuss

ion (for a change, perhaps, I was not the one to keep it going ) about why the theater did not extend its senior citizen discount to include the evening shows.

Thanks for this light shedding ...I hope Danya and X are happy...And I wish that for you, too...smooches dragonfly

'X' and I are quite happy for now. He understands very well that his may develop into something more or it may not. We are not physically intimate to the extend of our first try at things. That was too much, too soon. Once again, 'our Jesus' offered good advice. This time, though, I soon ignored it. Simply because in some ways I am still a teenage girl. My emotions got the better of me.

I am likely to experience more intense teenage emotions as my hormone doctor ramps up my estrogen to levels I have not yet experienced. Won't that be fun??

What is wonderful is feeling so very much at ease with myself and my very feminine emotions.

[Danya (imported)]

After enjoying terrific weather over a long relaxing weekend, I forgot that today was not Monday but Tuesday. Sunday, I spent nearly 3 hours at the Chicago Botanic Garden. After that, I drove along a scenic route to southern Wisconsin. Sunday evening, I wound up at a little cafe along Lincoln Ave in Chicago so I could help 'X' and his young friend with their college homework.

I did not expect that I would write here regularly after I ended my transition thread. I do not know how long I will continue. It seems writing is in my blood Even my roommate commented on this.

So while I am often tired from a long day of work and commuting, occasional writing remains important.

I will have a second phone interview tomorrow with the hiring manager of a major international financial services company. It's not truly a financial services company, but I do not want to be more specific here. One of the main offices is in downtown Chicago. This company, like the one I am now contracting at, is one of the very few major corporations to pay

for gender reassignment surgery.

The job is permanent, or at least as permanent as these things are today.

One thing is preventing me from preparing for the phone interview as thoroughly as I would like. They have yet to send me the job description! :-\

I know the basics of what they are looking for, and also that for some reason they seem particularly interested in me. This evening, I sent them my work email address, asking that they send the description to my office first thing tomorrow morning.

The little I know about this job makes it sound interesting and challenging. I like that. It also would likely put me in the corporate national spotlight for the area I'd be working in. This can be a good thing or a bad thing.

I also know the person who would be my boss is located in Los Angeles (or 'El Lay', as a friend who lived there used to call it.) I might travel to LA on occasion. As long as I would not have to live there, I'd be fine with this.

Before hitting the hay tonight, I will research the company history, its values, mission and so on.

Meanwhile, things are starting to look more promising for my future at my current job. I spoke with my boss Friday, asking how I can increase my contributions by learning more about corporate operations and participating in a more varied way. She cannot tell me yet if the job might become permanent, although she reiterated that if she could not hire me full-time another department very well might.

She told me a number of confidential things about her group and the course of related operations over the coming months. There are few bosses who will do this unless:

1. They are confident you can be trusted and

2. There is a reason to let you in on the information

All of what she told me indicated there could very well be increasing opportunities for me. This led me to the conclusion that she would prefer to keep me, or at least have me stay with this corporation.

This morning, I went to the Sears (now Willis) Tower to visit the post office below ground level. The tower is less than two blocks from my office. I mailed my medical history documentation, with the required photo, to Dr. Brassard in Montreal. He will have it by the end of the week.

While I want GRS, I have hesitated to send this document. That's because I am concerned about the cost of surgery when I do not have a permanent job. When I finally mailed in this form, though, I felt on top of the world. Or under it, perhaps, since there are 109 floors of building atop the post office.

My Saint Paul and Chicago area gender therapists recently sent there recommendation letters for GRS.

'X's' organic chemistry teacher told him, on hearing how I had helped him and his young friend with their homework, that I should be teaching the course. 'X' had also asked her some questions related to their studies that he would be unlikely to have knowledge about. I had given him this information to 'innocently' ask his professor. Although I have never taught regularly, I have taught biology, chemistry and technology classes. I always enjoyed this.

[butterflyjack (imported)]

Ahh...now you have some choices to make..It's amazing that , for so long, you were unemployed, and now find yourself in the quandary of choosing an employer...A really good quandary.

I think I understand what you are saying about X...and I like the way you're handling it.

As far as your being a woman....I agree...you are...

I feel that deep down, somewhere, I hold similar feelings...I like to wear women's clothing...I shave my legs, underarms, chest...and pubic area...

I long for the ability to dress as I please ( I doubt that will ever happen)..

I wish I was like you...dragonfly

[Danya (imported)]

Ahh...now you have some choices to make..It's amazing that , for so long, you were unemployed, and now find yourself in the quandary of choosing an employer...A really good quandary.

Hi Butterflyjack,

I would restate this as "I may find myself in the quandry of choosing an employer." For now, I have not been made any permanent job offers. The phone interview today went well. The HR department should let me know by next week if I'll need to walk the 3-4 blocks from my office to theirs for an in person interview.

Until I land a permanent position, I have to keep looking. I am confident that the right opportunity will come along.

I wrote a friend here that I'd prefer to stay out of the corporate world altogether. If I could put together several part-time jobs, doing the things I love, and make a reasonably good living I'd be very happy. Any permanent job I get may just be a 'bridge' job to tide me over until I piece together the pieces for a non-corporate life. Several job clubs I attended while still living in Minnesota suggested this approach.

I had my own business for two years, so I am aware of the pitfalls, and the joys, of working independently.

What might I put together to make a living outside of corporate America? A combination of college level teaching (mostly entry level courses), music gigs (including one or more regular staff organist/choir director positions), maybe something with photography and also public speaking. Just some thoughts for now.

I think I understand what you are saying about X...and I like the way you're handling it.

I may discuss more how things are going with 'X' at a later time. For now, I'll just say I continue to learn new things about him that help me better understand him and also his reception by some in the trans community.

As far as your being a woman....I agree...you are...

I feel that deep down, somewhere, I hold similar feelings...I like to wear women's clothing...I shave my legs, underarms, chest...and pubic area...

I long for the ability to dress as I please ( I doubt that will ever happen)..

I wish I was like you...dragonfly

I will try to remember to share something on this at another time. I should be in bed already.

[Danya (imported)]

Actually, I have been ecstatic for much of the day. To the extent that I could barely work much of the afternoon. I used time from extra hours I have put in so I could leave the office early.

The terrific company that I interviewed with by phone has invited me for an in person interview. Originally, they were not going to let me know about any interview until next week. That they did so early, today, may be a good sign. The interview will be next week. I do not know the day yet, but it won't be before Wednesday. This is a permanent position with a corporation that is very highly rated among 'best places to work.' I've already been told that this company wants to move quickly on making a final decision. I'm pleased that I will have this interview. Whether they hire me or not, the interview will be a good experience.

My prospective employer is considered even more desirable by folks at the office than our mutual employer. If I land this job, a number of doors will likely open to different career paths. In addition, they have offices in so many US and foreign cities that it is considered relatively easy to move where you want. For what I would do, location is becoming less important. I would likely prefer to remain in the Chicago area.

I have been increasing my networking within the company I'm now at. From what I hear from coworkers, our place is also one of the best to work for, in my line of work, in the Chicago area.

As far as the internal connections go, I am finding out that I have a number of active supporters in several departments. One contacted someone in senior management to check about open, permanent positions that would be good matches for me. He sent her two job descriptions that are excellent fits. Once I send this friend my resume, she will forward it to the senior manager. This will be a valuable statement of support from her that will carry weight with management. She herself is widely respected.

Today's weather was gorgeous. 'X' met me downtown and then we left for the Chicago Botanic Garden. Later, as the sun was setting, we drove to Wisconsin for dinner. 'X' wanted to take me to a little out of the way place that had terrific food.

Back in the city, I helped 'X' with some of his math homework. I am getting a very clear idea of how persistent he is both in studying and in his determination to meet his goals. He is also very excited about his class work and his interactions with the younger students. I am very happy for him.

Saturday evening, 'X' and I will go to a 2 1/2 hour concert at Millenium Park in downtown Chicago. It will feature 'stars of the Lyric Opera.' I can't wait.

[Danya (imported)]

1. I'll walk the three blocks from my office to the in person interview on Wednesday.

2. Relationships are more important to me than ever. I was in a really bad mood Sunday until I straightened something out with 'X.' I would not have gotten upset if I did not care about him - a lot. I took the time to drive to his place to speak with him in person.

3. By discussing things in depth with 'X,' I'm learning a lot about how he thinks and feels. This is helping me to appreciate him even more.

4. I was so down yesterday, I worried that I would not feel confident for the interview this week. My confidence returned after I worked things out with 'X' last night. Today went very well.

5. Both my roommate and my close woman friend in Minnesota somehow think I will have a permanent job within a few weeks. Whether I am offered the job I interview for Wednesday or get a permanent position with my current employer. They base their opinions on the things I am doing to make this happen. I am not at all sure I will have a permanent job soon. I will behave at interviews as if I will.

6. Early Sunday evening, I bought the inline skates I have been wanting. I hoped to go out skating yesterday. By the time I found the skates I wanted, it was getting dark.

7. Next weekend, I will skate as long as it isn't raining. I may go downtown to skate along Lake Michigan. Perhaps I will skate in the city after work on Thursday. I can take a change of clothes to the office.

8. Sunday afternoon, I went to Navy Pier, a big tourist attraction. I have been there several times and mostly just wanted to walk. The view of downtown from the pier is superb. The waters of Lake Michigan were full of sail boats, reminding me of San Francisco Bay. At times, monarch butterflies seemed to fill the nearly cloudless sky. Jets heading for O'Hare passed low over the lake from the east or flew near downtown, arriving from the south or west. As they passed the city's core, they veered to the northwest joining the line of planes descending over the lake.

9. I haven't heard anything from the GRS surgeon yet. He should have all of my documentation. I will probably need to postpone surgery anyway. Perhaps I really do think it is likely I will have permanent work soon.

10. I almost forgot. I submitted two applications for internal, permanent positions today.

11. Saturday evening's performance "Stars of the Lyric Opera," free at Millennium Park, was outstanding. Much of the concert, which ended at 10 PM, was under dark skies. The view was awesome, with the blue lights reflecting off the polished aluminum, very modern backdrop of the Pritzker Pavilion set against the lit skyscrapers across the street. I can hardly wait for this Sunday's free concert by the Chicago Symphony Orchestra, with a program jammed with crowd pleasers.