I have an urge to drag this thread kicking and screaming back on topic. So lets see if this will do it:
Ive been visiting this site for about three weeks now and Ive learned that you should prostrate yourself before the masters if youre tempted to post anything that smacks of gratuitous erudition or unwarranted assertions. So Ill preface these remarks by acknowledging that I dont know what Im talking about and Im making it up as I go along. So
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I sense or detect two sides to sexuality: One I call Affectional, as in hugging and kissing, and the other I call Sexual as in fucking and sucking. Why give a subclass the name of the class? Because the two subclasses are often conflated (or should I say confused?) under the heading of Sexual. I was brought to this notion by the following Site introduced recently by Bobover3 (I think it was him apologies to whomever it was if it wasnt):
www.g0ys.org
That site draws the important distinction between being, homosexual and being gay. In other words, not everyone who is homosexual (i.e. queer) is also gay. Gay as applied to homosexuality is a term coined in the 1920s when the only guys thought to be homosexual were obviously so, as in swishy and effeminate. G0ys.org points out that there are lots of guys, an unknown percentage in fact, who like other guys but are not outwardly detectable as such - unless theyre seen kissing and holding hands, one supposes. Let me hasten to add that a certain amount of masculine demeanor is a conscious or subconscious façade for both queers and straights, so who knows how many g0ys are gay under the surface. I should also add that while I place myself in the g0y category, I hold no animus toward gays. I love gay guys; Im just not one of them. Having said that, I think some gay bashing is motivated to some extent by the conflation of homosexual with gay. In other words, some queers dont like having people assume that their sexual desire makes them effeminate (i.e. weak), and become irrational and enraged when they think they are being regarded as such. But I digress.
I found it particularly notable that g0ys.org disdains sodomy (i.e. butt fucking) as a sexual outlet for guys. G0ys.org seems to regard sodomy as insulting and disrespectful or perhaps just gay. Hard to tell how much this attitude is derived from the dominant morality, or the bible, or whatnot, but its certainly true that in other species it is the submissive male who is mounted by the dominant one after losing a fight. So perhaps g0y.org likes to think that guys who love guys should do so in equality not in submission. I, for one, am highly simpatico with this attitude, although it overlooks the fact that anal intercourse is highly pleasurable for the bottom as well as the top. I dont know how it is for women, but the prostate is a powerful erogenous zone for me and having it directly stimulated by another guys cock is blissful to say the least. I must admit though that I slip more or less into gay mode when Im being fucked by another guy. And let me also point out the theme in gay porn in which the guy who loses the bet has to be the bottom.
Which brings me back to affectional vs sexual. I put hugging and kissing in the affectional category, but I would also add, breast feeding, tousling of hair, butt slapping, piggy backing, roughhousing, feet rubbing, and all other forms of physical, and in some cases verbal, contact motivated by the affection of one human being for another. If a person says, I love you to another, does he mean he wants to have sex with them or just that he cares a great deal for that person? We all know that it feels uncomfortable saying the L word when one only wants sex, so if its said, it probably means both, or just caring.
So what do I put in the sexual category besides sucking and fucking? Sodomy, frottage, cunnilingus, felatio, masturbation in all its forms, both mutual and solo. In other words, anything associated with direct stimulation of the genitalia. So why isnt affectionate foreplay in the sexual category? Because it isnt a necessary precursor, thats why. Sometimes it leads to sex, sometimes it doesnt, and its often done for its own sake. I know a male couple who have lived together as lovers for more than six months now and are very close and loving of one another, but have never had sex, not because they never will, but because they just havent got around to it yet and dont need to have sex that badly, not with each other anyway. Their relationship, in other words, is based on mutual love and affection, not sex.
But when g0s.org seems to suggest that guy on guy sex is predominantly affectional, as opposed to sexual, I go off the farm a bit. Perhaps they would like to think that way, or would like to promote the understanding that it is not strictly sexual not just so much aimless rutting and getting off not promiscuous, in other words. But face it guys, it is promiscuous. I live in San Francisco, and our gay Mecca here is The Castro, i.e. the neighborhood adjacent to the Castro Movie Theater on Castro Street. The Castro is promiscuous, period. Its just one huge hookup palace. If you dont believe me, spend some time there on a Friday or Saturday night.
So why is guy on guy sex, both g0y and gay, so promiscuous? Because affection between guys is disparaged in our society, and g0y.org very righteously, even stridently, makes this important point - this crucial case for our freedom to be queer if we want to be. It seems somehow rational, if perverse, for a guy to want sex with another guy once in awhile, or always, but love? Affection? Eeww! Gross!
How many guys in the straight world experience a fleeting sense of togetherness or even intimacy with another guy, a little frisson of sensuality in his presence, but shut it down cold before it can rise the level of consciousness? Danger, Mr. Robinson! Danger! Danger!
So whats the point of all this? The point is that we are starved of affection in our current social climate. Affection is discouraged if not prohibited everywhere that it might be perceived to be a precursor to sex, or motivated by sexual desire. Why for gods sake?! Sex is how we reproduce, why is it regarded as so shameful? It is largely a myth that the American dynasty was founded by anti-sexual Puritans, but the myth prevails, even pervades, our dominant cultural morality.
Yours truly was vilified on this Site for an early post for merely suggesting that the affections of Catholic Priests for little boys might not have been quite the crime against humanity that it is made out to be, and no doubt some will be ruffled once again by my saying even this. Why? Kids are sexual, goddammit! Whats the problem?
Look, I dont advocate sexual interaction between adults and children, not at all. One of the reasons for this post is to attempt to draw some distinctions between sex and affection that might, hopefully one day, free us of some of these idiotic inhibitions about sex when it is mostly just affection. I know that sex can be, and often is, coercive, even violent. I know that there are power imbalances between people in sexual situations, between men and women, and particularly between adults and children. I dont screw kids, never have and never will.
But lets lighten up a bit, Ok? At least on the kids themselves, for chrissake! I recently watched a film on DVD called Hard Candy, Ellen Pages first major film, in which she played a teenage girl exacting revenge on a child molester. While she was torturing the guy and seemingly preparing to castrate him, he fell into a distraught reverie in which he told of being ten years old and having been caught in a neighbors bathroom with the neighbors younger daughter wriggling around, both of them naked, with the girl in top of him yelling prune attack, prune attack!, as in the pruny affect on the fingers of prolonged immersion in bath water. The mother, having heard this disturbance, walks in on them. She picks the girl up and puts her back in the tub, and then picks up the boy and takes him to the kitchen where she turns on the burners of the stove and holds him over them to burn his genitals, all the while whispering in his ears, If you ever touch my daughter again, I will kill you! Ten years old!
Now, this scene is portrayed in the movie as a ploy for sympathy on the part of the molester, but true or not (and whats true in a movie?), it was striking to me as a demonstration of the dominant cultural morality, then as now. So what if he was playing around which he probably wasnt, having been more the victim than the perp; hes not going to get her pregnant is he? Hes ten years old for chrissake! Even if he could, which is doubtful, she couldnt! Whats the problem? Its sex, thats the problem. Its dirty, nasty, brutish, sinful, awful, sex. And children are pure and innocent! They dont do sex!
But they do do affection, and I totally agree with g0y.org that its high time we started to make that distinction. Not all sex is affectional, and not all affection is sexual. Well, actually it is to some degree, including breast feeding, but it isnt dirty, and it doesnt cause pregnancy or VD or AIDS, or cause anybody to be condemned to hell for eternity, like sex does if you do it with the wrong person or in the wrong way. Affection is pure. It is innocent. And if guys feel affection for one another and show it, even publicly, we should leave them alone. If they want to get a room, they will. If they dont we should let them be.
And the same quite frankly goes, in my humble opinion, for children. If theyre just being affectionate, or affectional in my terminology, let them be. I know, this is dicey. Theres a power imbalance between adults and children, and affection can turn to lust followed by seduction. I know there are adult/child sexual fantasies even on this site, especially on this site, and I dont have a good answer here. Maybe affection should remain taboo between adults and children, but for just the children!? Children have poor judgment, undeveloped judgment I should say. Maybe we should keep them from each other when they reach fertility. But it just seems totally wrong to me that we should deny each other, and our children, affection simply because of the hair trigger boundary between affection and lust. Better safe than sorry, I suppose. But better safe than fully alive?! I wonder.
Comments?