A gay faq (or is it a gay fag?)

[graylayer02 (imported)]

As I was mentioning on another part of this site, the seven-year-old me had a pretty clear opinion about the idea of gay marriage. He was for it, for himself and others, and he knew he'd fall in love with a nice man. Since then my ideas have taken twists and turns that I couldn't foresee, as I dealt with the social consequences of being a little bit different.

The seven-year-old me was right on all counts.

Since he isn't around right now, the thirty-one-year-old me has to step in and defend him. Here is where I field some of your questions, both asked and implied, that I've gotten since coming out. And I'm also going to answer the questions that the seven-year-old me had. This post is dedicated to him.

Q: When did you know you were gay?

A: When didn't I? I didn't know what it was, but I knew that I was attracted to guys much more than to girls. I lied to myself from about ages 10-28 about the issue but I knew deep down that I knew.

Q: Why then did you try to hide it when you were younger?

A: I got beaten up plenty as it was since I was this shrimpy kid who threw a ball like a girl and preferred one baseball team to another based on the look of the uniforms. I didn't need to make things worse. Plus, I wanted to live up to others' expectations of me: To have kids, to grow a beer gut, and take these kids to church followed by brunch. This would cause me the least trouble.

Q: Did it?

A: No, it caused the most trouble, though I'm too tightly-wound to actually let myself have a beer gut, and I caught myself before I did the other stuff.

Q: Explain.

A: Being in the closet is like feeding corn to cattle or getting five gay men to light a charcoal grill. A gay man having a wife and kids can be done, in theory, but it's unnatural.

Q: Wait, wait. We were always told at church and on cable-access TV that being gay was unnatural.

A: Maybe it was for you, the way that being German is unnatural to me, with all those noun cases and my aversion to boiled potatoes. You realize, we're not all exactly the same.

Q: But of course we are, therefore you're making a really odd choice.

A: Let's see, getting slammed into lockers in high school, paying higher taxes, being at a slight but ever-present risk of getting hit over the head when exiting a bar, and letting my parents down. Yeah, what a choice.

Let's face it; we have some things in common that make us human, and these are very deep and what give us value as people. This is something that Catholics in particular can understand. This also includes our ability to love, be loved, and have the freedom to live our own lives and pursue happiness. But we're not also exactly the same.

I don't propose to ban green peppers even though I think that they're disgusting and weird. I don't propose to ban a lot of really odd stuff that people do. Leave me the hell alone.

Q: Why, though, do you have to rub our faces in this and come out?

A: Excuse me? Close to 100% of the stuff that we see in the media or in our daily lives is of straight people. They kiss; they hug; they talk about their wives over lunch at work. Every time you hold a door for a woman a certain way, talk admiringly about your husband, or kiss her goodbye in the morning, you come out as straight. Likewise I come out every time I look at a guy a certain way, kiss my boyfriend goodbye, or mention that he's visiting and how happy I am. Love is an integral part of who we are, and it's something we should celebrate. The alternative to my coming out is to cower in fear in my cold drafty apartment. F' that.

Q: You say love, but what about (uncomfortable look) anal sex?

A: Being gay is about love and finding it with men. It's unfortunate that you think of anal sex every time when you think of me, because my boyfriend thinks of something much nicer. Anal sex isn't really that important; somehow people think that this is what gay is. No, being gay (not 'g0y' which is an attempt to zero out what we're about) is about waking up in the morning with someone you love, coming home from work slightly early to be with someone you love, all that stuff. You know, much the same way that straight couples love each other.

And no, neither of us is the 'man' or the 'woman'. We're both men. We're gay. We like men. That's how that works. This isn't prison.

Q: But isn't it your duty to reproduce and have tall good-looking children?

A: It's that Catholic humanism again which says, the more, the merrier. Would you say the same thing about a priest or a couple where one but the other isn't infertile? (cue the song "Every Sperm is Sacred" which has a great throwaway line in it about castration) Actually, everyone pretty much knows how gay/eunuchy the Catholic church is; who do you think did all of those nice paintings and sculptures and took the soprano roles? Not to mention, don't you see how...delicate...that new priest is?

Actually I personally don't like kids much, so that's not an issue for me, but this is what devastated my parents. I have a brother and sister to take up the slack for me on that front, but this is in fact what hurt my parents the most.

Q: Well what should I tell MY kids when they see you and your partner?

A: That he and I love each other deeply and that it's beautiful. What were you thinking? Really, stop thinking about my butt.

Q: But...what about those plans you have to recruit my kids?

A: We've filled our recruitment quota for the year. Try again next year.

Seriously, you want to know my plans for your kids? That they grow up and be happy, responsible, civilized adults who are free to be who they want to be. Some small number of them will be gay. Most will wear golf shirts two sizes too big. We are who we are.

Q: That sounds almost conservative. But isn't the gay thing some kind of leftist plot to destroy our society?

A: Yes, I made a very conservative argument. The gay agenda is actually a conservative one as I see it. It's to uphold civilized values and to treat each other the way we want to be treated. Sounds almost Christian, doesn't it? And, let's face it, gays have an eye for beauty. We'd slim down Rick Warren and add some frescoes in no time, if he can pull some strings with his buddies to not have us all massacred in Uganda.

I have a guess as to how we involuntarily got involved in the culture wars. It wasn't quite like this in the '70s or even quite the '80s growing up, when Reagan was pro-gay and most blue-Collar Democrats were (still are) anti-gay. It's that a lot of the right's political immune system got activated by Roe v. Wade, abortion, and some of the excesses of feminism. Well, it's gone autoimmune. But yes, the arguments I make are conservative, based on the idea of a fair process, upholding civilized values and beauty, and loving someone with a lot of loyalty and trust.

Q: But aren't gays constantly trying to undermine the traditional family in specific ways?

A: How?

Q: (crickets)

A: You're confusing us for someone else. You know, when I first heard this argument about the gay agenda sometime back in the mid '90s, I was SURE that there was something that 'teh Gays' had done that was so awful because a small handful of people were really worked up by it. I've never found anything to suggest that yet since they can't come up with any examples except from the Mormons who claimed in a devastatingly effective ad that we'd forced some kids to watch a wedding sometime in 2008. Look, I think we'll all agree that bringing kids to a wedding is cruel, to the participants. It's just as bad as sharing an airplane with them.

And let's face it, California voters are idiots on just about every count.

Q: Back to Christianity. I'm evangelical and my pastor says that if I look at a male underwear model, much less touch one, I'll go to hell and be buddies with Saddam Hussein. And he had terrible taste in wine (true!) and smelled funny. What do I do?

A: Find another church. Your pastor isn't Christian. He's more old-Testament Jewish, which is what happens when you try to create your own version of Christianity and are ignorant. This is also the residual Catholic boy in me speaking. Ask if he's had shrimp or a bacon cheeseburger in the recent past. Shrimp is good (particularly in garlic butter). Love is good (particularly with shrimp and a nice Riesling or Sauv Blanc, your call). And if your pastor hates a decent white wine (or the official gay drink, Mojitos) then you should definitely leave. At that point he's not old-style Jewish; he's Muslim.

And triviawise, Saddam liked Mateus Rose which tastes like shrimp vomit.

Q: What if I'm mainline Protestant (squishy Episcopalian or somesuch)?

A: Then you can church-shop with impunity.

Q: But what if I'm Catholic?

A: If you're a priest, I already know where you come out on this, but please keep it over 18. If you're a parishioner, well...we know that the Pope has made some inflammatory statements lately in his conciliatory old-guy Germanic way. The church, however, values tradition, and hypocrisy is a tradition. This is a serious argument, by the way. The same church that had Michelangelo and Leonardo and those two guys sitting quietly in the pew behind you, can also have you.

The thing is, the church isn't a northern European or American entity. Swedes and north Germans, for example, are as serious as the plague. Less so are the Irish and Italians. A certain amount of hypocrisy is to be expected. This makes for terrible accountants among Catholics (the original Arthur Andersen was a Norwegian Lutheran and as fun as a root canal) but Catholics are overrepresented among great lawyers like Scalia and among derivatives traders. Lawyers find an argument and try to justify it post-hoc. Since the Catholic argument about gays is actually a reductio from the pro-life argument, they kind of settled on their position to argue while not taking it TOO seriously. So you're mostly fine so long as you don't somehow get someone pregnant then abort the baby, while in the closet.

They really should knock this off though because some people might take them seriously.

Q: OK, I'm worried that my son is gay because he likes watching the luge and figure skating events a little too much. What do I do?

A: Don't ask him upfront if he's gay; that would be too easy; and if he hasn't told you, he might not be comfortable. But you should at least let him know that you accept him for whoever he is, that there's nothing wrong with being gay, and Apolo Ohno is hot. 98% of Catholic priests agree.

But doesn't that jiggly effect on the lugers kind of weird you out?

Q: What about marriage then?

A: I'm for it. For everybody.

Q: That's going too quickly; I prefer civil unions.

A: Would you actually vote for a civil union initiative if it came on the ballot?

Q: No.

A: Then you're not being honest.

Q: It just makes me uncomfortable.

A: Deal with it. Which makes you more uncomfortable? A bunch of promiscuous gays in the backrooms of badly-lit bars doing your-favorite-fantasy-about-gays, or having two monogamous gay neighbors who throw fabulous dinner parties? Think about it, all you can eat shrimp. And less AIDS.

Until later.

[Paolo]

They have baseball in Germany?

j/k

[gareth19 (imported)]

They have baseball in Germany?

j/k

They have balls in Germany.

[ramses (imported)]

Brilliant post but what does shrimp vomit actually taste like?

[IbPervert (imported)]

Brilliant post but what does shrimp vomit actually taste like?

Not sure what shrimp vomit tastes like, but I do know what Bee Vomit tastes like! :D

[gareth19 (imported)]

Not sure what shrimp vomit tastes like, but I do know what Bee Vomit tastes like! :D

Shrimp is shellfish; the Bible says you go to Hell if you eat it.

[graylayer02 (imported)]

Shrimp is shellfish; the Bible says you go to Hell if you eat it.

BINGO! There was a post elsewhere here about some guy who hands out signs at those Westboro rallies that say things like, "God hates shrimp" and the like.

@Paolo: I grew up in the US in inner suburbia bleeding into outer urbia, hence the baseball and Catholicism references. It's only since I moved out of there that I realized what an odd place it was.

[raymar2020 (imported)]

Great Post !!!!

The arguments that the general straight population use to repress gays are totally absurd!.

The one that gets me the most is the sanctity of mariage. How does two loving men or women even vaguely threaten straight marriage? Specially since those same people would likely be in a relationship that is not sanctioned anyway.

Keep up the good posts.

Raymar

[JeffEunuch (imported)]

I think I now appreciate how much control traditional religious beliefs in the West (i.e., the former Roman Empire of northern and western Europe) have hampered human development. While the original oppressive regime was gradually over thrown beginning in the 16th century, many of its ideas have continued. The legitimation of gay marriage involves the state finally realizing that it had a duty to design its own institutions - marriage, but others as well - in the interests of human rights and freedoms independent of organized religions. This has largely finally occurred.

The battle's certainly been a long one, at least as expressed in lifetimes of individuals. Take Canada as an example. I recall a university colleague (professor) whom had been retained by the Privy Council to rewrite the constitution, including a Charter of Rights and Freedoms, coming to me one day in 1979 and proclaiming that he had finally got the Minister of Justice and the PM to agree that the equality rights that'd be built into the constitution should include gays. He noted in passing that gay marriage would have to be permitted as a result. While those amendments were passed by Parliament and provincial legislatures and then signed into law by the reigning monarch in 1982, provincial appeal courts finally got around to confirming the right of gays to marry by the late 1990s. Parliament finally legitimated gay marriage in 2005. And the leader of the Opposition who'd said at the time he'd see that the parliamentary act would be repealed if he formed a government finally relented a year later as a Conservative PM and agreed the law would stand. Voila, the institution was finally altered 25 years later.

All this has taken a long time. There now seems to be acceptance that the institution of marriage has been permanently altered in much of the West. While behind the other nations, I believe the USA will soon follow.

It's also good to see some of the organized religions follow. First Unitarians. Then the United Church (a union of Presbyterians and Methodists specific to Canada). Most recently the Anglican Synod of Canada led by the Bishop of New Westminster. All of these long ago accepted equality of gender - another revolution! The Roman Catholics of course have accepted none of this, and it'll take a long time indeed - decades! We can freely love our fellow humans regardless of gender.

Great Post !!!! The arguments that the general straight population use to repress gays are totally absurd! The one that gets me the most is the sanctity of mariage. How does two loving men or women even vaguely threaten straight marriage? Specially since those same people would likely be in a relationship that is not sanctioned anyway.

[IbPervert (imported)]

Shrimp is shellfish; the Bible says you go to Hell if you eat it.

Personally I don't eat shrimp, but if someone walked up to me and said, "you will go to Hell if you eat Shrimp!" My reply would be, "I hope we are roommates, so I can enjoy watching you get tortured!"