Becoming the person that I am

[JessJames1968 (imported)]

While I'm pretty sure this goes without saying ... we're here for you ... whatever you decide ...

[graylayer02 (imported)]

Hi everyone, it's been about a month and a half.

I think that this thing has turned into a transition. I've begun going out on weekends in 'girl mode', and I've been building up that presentation, though it will still take a while before I'm even remotely 'passable'. I'm six feet tall; my facial features are masculine; I have a deep voice; and I have broad shoulders and an Adam's Apple. It should take about a year to get the hair kind of right, and I need a LOT of makeup in order to soften my rather masculine face to something more androgynous. And my voice gives me away instantly--on top of my rather hilarious accent in German. The last thing can be worked on, once I work out a routine for voice exercises.

At least, my mannerisms are fairly neutral, not all that masculine. There's hope on that front.

Laser hair removal proceeds apace. I might have to supplement it with electrolysis at some point, for the light-colored hairs. I have blonde hairs worked in with the dark ones; the former are impossible to deal with using the laser. I actually have three colors of hairs mixed in there--white, dark brown, and blonde. That's to go with my mixed-up eye color.

I'm hell-bent on getting hormones this year by any means necessary. My energy levels have gotten kind of wonky, and I'm hugely worried about my bone density, which was already in bad shape as of last summer. I'm not expecting much from the endo. My appointment is on April 22, and I've heard very mixed things about this guy. As of right now, there's no reason to expect anything different from what I've been dealing with for years. There is the off chance (maybe 20%) that this will be my break. Otherwise, who knows?

In other news, my boyfriend broke up with me when I told him that I wanted to transition. We both saw this coming a long time ago. I'm surprised our relationship held on for this long. The gay men are now referring to me as an 'old lady' as is my grandmother (LOL). I guess this means that the changes from no-T have been fairly large.

My coworkers are now quizzing me about my shaggy hair and/or staring at me. I wonder what would happen if I started developing breasts or a softer face.

If this were a perfect world, I'd transition and live as female. Given my rather awful initial conditions, I'm not sure that this is feasible. But it's good to see how far I can go in that direction. I might be pleasantly surprised. There is a certain chance that I'll never 'pass' and/or that it will kill my career. But at least I can truly live. I can handle being an ugly lady. I am never going back to where I was a few years ago.

[butterflyjack (imported)]

Is there a problem in Germany with importation of estrogen from international pharmacies? I get mine in the mail...I order about 5-6 months supply (costs about 120 bucks).

Inhouse Pharmacy..no prob..

[Cuckolder (imported)]

But at least I can truly live. I can handle being an ugly lady. I am never going back to where I was a few years ago.

Well that is the most important point when starting the way of transitioning. You must feel one with your feelings and what happens with your outside...whatever happens...don´t worry about passing in the eyes of the surrounding society...you must pass for your soul!

[~Tiamat~ (imported)]

If you ever had the potential to be ugly it disappeared a LONG time ago. You look amazing and it's still really early days!

[graylayer02 (imported)]

Well, it's been almost two months. Just a quick check-in here.

Relative to two months ago, not much has changed. Been buried in work, stress, and travel, and I'm still grinding through the bureaucracy to get hormones. If there were a black market here, I would have turned to that a year ago. I'm still not sure if there is a way to legally change my name here--I know that for Germans it's very difficult, and the law for doing that specifically excludes foreigners. I'm looking into this rather intensively as I write this.

Despite not having hormones, I've been living this double life--in my free time as a rather good-yet-strange-looking and even stranger-sounding lady--and most of the time as a strange-looking guy. By embracing the former strangeness, I can just 'feel right'.

I've begun making plans to come out at work, although hormones, clothes, and voice need to be improved a lot before I can make the switch. That sounds daunting but that's the fun part!

While not much has actually changed in the past few months, pressure has been building, and I want this more than ever.

[graylayer02 (imported)]

There. After 14 months of trying, I'm finally on hormones. I did NOT crash my bike on the way to the endo's or have any some such thing in my way. Today has actually gone quite smoothly.

(Now I know what you're all thinking. It's been, like, 15 minutes. Do I already have breasts or 'pass' better or have a miraculous voice change? I'd just be happy if I could find a decent lunch at 3pm.)

[graylayer02 (imported)]

By the way, the way that I was able to get hormones did have in some way to do with the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence. It led me to a trans group here who knows a set of less-known (but perfectly legal) channels, so that I don't have to go through the Gender Horror Center.

I can finally be patient and look past this stupid issue. (plays music with lots of trumpets and drums)

[Cuckolder (imported)]

I hope you will be successful in going this/your way....As far as what you have written, I think you will feel more comfortable as a woman, or at least as living close to a womens life...

[graylayer02 (imported)]

E-Day+1

There are already some effects to report. Not like, "I've got size D breasts" or anything nutso. But the psychological effects have already begun to kick in.

Within about a minute of slapping the patch on, my sense of taste and smell changed.

Food tastes different (not bad), and my appetite is down from before.

Oddly, I find it much easier to do things like walk, though handling silverware has become more clumsy.

My libido has already begun to come back, and oddly enough, there's a significant bi (or pan?) component to it now. Before, it was pretty strictly hetero (i.e. into guys), except to the degree that I would have chosen chocolate over sex.

My thermal regulation improved within hours. I'm no longer sweating all the time, and cool weather feels cool.

I spent last night giggling and getting all emotional over some flowers that Thraddash gave me three years ago, after reading about someone who wasn't so lucky to have the support network I have had. I feel more even-keeled this morning.

So far, nothing bad to report. But I'm only a day into this.