Becoming the person that I am

[graylayer02 (imported)]

Update: Christmas with the family, still in 'girly boy' mode although the regular old 'boy' name is the one which has been used. It's like nails on a chalkboard. I have a bit of name anarchy going on. Currently I am known under four different names and three different genders. This will have to get pared down at some point; my resolution for the next year is to deal with that in a particular way.

I met Danya for dinner last night, where we spent way too much money on wine. She's fantastic. The more of her, the better.

Danya could say more, but I'm currently at the stage where I feel more or less like a girl but am read as more or less (but not completely) masculine. Every time I look in the mirror it's like a shock.

A version of plan D might be in effect if I'm lucky.

When do people decide that they want to transition and that it's a good thing? Over the past few months it's been a burning desire of mine, though I've wanted to do it for much longer. When will be the day where I see a girl looking back at me in the mirror rather than a girly boy? And when will others see that? My gender presentation is still about 90% male although there are funny instances where from a certain angle from a certain distance I look girlier. It's hard to overstate how much of an obsession this has been.

Have my mannerisms always been so androgynous?

Have my looks always been so androgynously masculine?

Damn you, masculine good looks.

[Danya (imported)]

Update: Christmas with the family, still in 'girly boy' mode although the regular old 'boy' name is the one which has been used. It's like nails on a chalkboard. I have a bit of name anarchy going on. Currently I am known under four different names and three different genders. This will have to get pared down at some point; my resolution for the next year is to deal with that in a particular way.

I think you noted earlier that you have learned how to legally change your name, in the US. In Minnesota, I found the process amazingly easy. I doubt that it is much different in Illinois.

I met Danya for dinner last night, where we spent way too much money on wine.

Meeting you was the high point of my brief Christmas weekend visit to Chicago. I was immediately comfortable with you. We spent five hours talking about all kinds of things. I had a lot of fun, thoroughly enjoyed our conversation and wished we had more time together. The wine you chose was a good complement to the South American/Asian fusion, or whatever, cuisine.

Danya could say more, but I'm currently at the stage where I feel more or less like a girl but am read as more or less (but not completely) masculine. Every time I look in the mirror it's like a shock.

My impression was that while you are typically read as masculine you could fairly easily by read as feminine, after making some changes. Like eliminating, or covering over, facial hair. Your mannerisms seemed to be on the feminine side of things and this came naturally to you. Your expressive eyes and easy, charming smile would be an advantage in presenting as female. You have a good head of thick hair which, as it grows longer, is starting to frame your face in a way to soften its masculine contours. While your voice is low, it is softened by some androgynous/feminine inflections. There are exercises you can do to further soften and feminize your voice.

[graylayer02 (imported)]

Hi Danya,

Thanks so much for your kind words, and your general kindness. I really enjoyed our night out together, and I have already made use of some information which you gave me. More on that later, I hope. Likewise--m

eeting you was the high point of my

week. Next time we go someplace where it's BYOB, or else we drink less.

The name change requires getting two national governments, two state governments, and airlines to agree on things all at about the same time,and my German visa is tied to my work, so it would have to be done around the time that I made the switch at work, were I to do so. It's not impossible but it is a bit of a thing to coordinate all of these things at once. We've talked names--the fact that we've talked names indicates how serious I feel about this issue.

The facial hair issue is my single worst trigger these days. I get triggered pretty easily but I know what's causing it, so my getting triggered doesn't get to me so badly, and I'm doing something about it. I'm still working out the inflection of my voice, which is to do what comes naturally and not mumble as much. This is the way my voice and mannerisms were when I was younger before I tried to 'pass' as a man. It got me teased and beaten up as a kid, but it's coming in handy now.

I still have a really square, masculine face, and hormones won't do much to that since it's bone structure. I'll always look a little bit on the manly side, though I'd be delighted to pull off a soft butch sort of look.

Pffffth, and people just usually assume that I'm some straight guy.

I've found more contacts in Germany, though they're of the people-who-know-people-who-know-people sort. It must be better than going around in circles with endocrinologists for another year.

By unpopular demand, I should maybe do another one of those Q&As soon.

[graylayer02 (imported)]

Oh, and I can't wait for a time that I'm not obsessed with this issue. There was a while earlier this year where it looked like that might be the case. This is like a full-time job.

[graylayer02 (imported)]

Oh, and I can't wait for a time that I'm not obsessed with this issue. There was a while earlier this year where it looked like that might be the case. This is like a full-time job.

Is it me, or is my gender thing (or "transition") accelerating? Six months ago I felt like I was at a fixed point with this thing, and since then it's taken on a life of its own. My feelings are building up on a day to day basis.

I was clothes-shopping today in girly-boy mode (I don't have a proper girl mode) and got leered at by a guy like I've never been leered at. It was laserlike. First a look in the eyes, but not being flirty-flirty like I usually get from gay men. Then he scanned me from my eyes all the way down to my shoes.

Apart from maybe a scarf I was wearing all 'mens' clothes.

Was I clocked as being 'trans' despite not even presenting as female at the time? Did this guy take me as female and did he just leer?

It felt dangerous and I took off. This was in the men's section of a nice clothing store (and it was a good-looking guy who did this), so I'm still trying to figure out what actually happened. Any theories?

On the other hand I had a good experience at another store where I bought a complete assortment of stuff.

[~Tiamat~ (imported)]

This is the way my voice and mannerisms were when I was younger before I tried to 'pass' as a man. It got me teased and beaten up as a kid, but it's coming in handy now.
[

/quote]


It's amazing how fast they come back isn't it?

I was clothes-shopping today in girly-boy mode (I don't have a proper girl mode) and got leered at by a guy like I've never been leered at. It was laserlike. First a look in the eyes, but not being flirty-flirty like I usually get from gay men. Then he scanned me from my eyes all the way down to my shoes.

Apart from maybe a scarf I was wearing all 'mens' clothes.

Was I clocked as being 'trans' despite not even presenting as female at the time? Did this guy take me as female and did he just leer?

It felt dangerous and I took off. This was in the men's section of a nice clothing store (and it was a good-looking guy who did this), so I'm still

trying to figure out what actually happened. Any theories?

I've got that look quite a bit since my late teens to be honest. From what you describe yes it's pretty dangerous, although I don't know, I've not experienced any actual violence since about the third month of HRT (and I've experienced it since my late teens) and any time it's looked likely since they've given me a long look then left me alone. Sincerity helps I think when you're trying to talk to them. It's comforting to get the other side of it though. When you can get a guy going red and his hand shaking you feel the battle's almost won. Then the next week I look in the mirror and my face looks like a breeze block again!

And of course he could have been curious

[transward (imported)]

Relevant to this discussion: http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid= ... =1&theater

Transward

[graylayer02 (imported)]

Relevant to this discussion: http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid= ... =1&theater

Transward

That's exactly the right way to look at things. In my mind, I'm working out a number of contingency scenarios as to what might work. I am not tied so strictly to the gender binary, but rather, I merely want a hormonal configuration which fits me and is good for my health, and it would be nice to be gendered as female at least once in a while and having a safe place to pee when I go out. The one remaining feature that I truly hate is my facial hair. That has to go, and that's attainable. Ideally I would make use of what natural assets I do have--not feminine beauty, but rather handsomeness of a sort--and work off of that. Let's see where that takes me.

I swear, I feel like I've done a PhD on this issue, and it's something that everyone who even thinks of transitioning has to do. When a friend of mine suggested that I do a second PhD on this issue, I rebuffed him. I didn't want to be THAT guy...girl...person. Plus, I already think about these things too much. I'd rather do something more positive with my life than to make it so self-referential.

G'night, y'all.

[graylayer02 (imported)]

Well, I'm back in the old BR of D and I have work to keep me busy (and happy). It's amazing how nice it is to have a distraction from dysphoria, etc, and to have something that even if I'm not successful at it, makes me happy. My boyfriend also surprised me by showing up at the airport when I came back. He's a class act.

I get to meet with my first trans person in Germany tomorrow (that is, if one particular person I think might be trans isn't). I'm excited but worried at the same time. Excited because, well, I finally get to meet another person who has gone through much more than I have. Worried because I might find out that I have no path to hormones and should just save up for my broken hip in a couple year's time. And I might just get along with this person as a person. We'll see.

The episodes of dysphoria aren't so bad this week (or last) since I have been distracted, but when they've come, they've been of a different sort. Up until recently I have been more or less content with my masculine good looks, merely trying to trim around the edges (laser, no T, that sort of thing). But lately it's taken a different turn

. Every time I look in the mirror

and see a guy I feel pangs of sadness. I shake my fist and say, "Damn you, masculine good looks." At this point, identifying as non-binary is a distinct second best to something better, although I know that I could never have that. Given my features I could NEVER pass as female, by which I mean to be gendered as female. This shouldn't bother me; it's never distinctly bothered me before; but it does. It's there.

I can either sit here and feel sorry for myself (a losing strategy) or do my best. I choose the second, even if it means that I have to remain a ridiculous guy. Aargh.

Next laser appointment is next week. This will be my third time.

[graylayer02 (imported)]

Hi everyone, again. I haven't done a Q&A format in a while so let's do one of those.

Q: How are you doing?

A: Fine. Just ate, cleaned up a bit, and am chilling out.

Q: Good. I'm reading this thread. Wow, what a difference a few years makes.

A: Yep. Even looks-wise, the ID-checkers at the airport spend an extra long time on me before they conclude that my eyes uniquely identify me.

Q: That's weird. Did you ever think that you'd look so different?

A: Nope. The funny thing is, I only really noticed this when I had a current photo and my passport photo side by side and thought, 'wow'.

Q: So what are the main differences?

A: I've grown out my hair, and I've been getting my face zapped with lasers. I'm a bit fuller in the face and in the rear, less so in the sleeves of my shirts. I still fit into my old shirts but not into my old pants, if that tells you something.

Q: What's the overall effect of this?

A: I get read as a guy ten years younger.

Q: Is this your final destination?

A: Not sure. The problem is, I look very much like a guy, albeit a young, somewhat good looking, one. This is even with all of the changes. It would still take a lot of work to get a female presentation together or to look remotely female, physically. That said, if I were able to get these things together, transitioning sounds like it might be a good thing.

Q: Wow, this seems out of the blue.

A: No. This was always in the background, and it triggered my major freakout seven years ago over the joint issues of sexual orientation and gender identity. I'm finally at a point where I can say with confidence to myself that I've tried the other options, and I would definitely prefer to go one way particular if I had the chance.

Q: What's stopping you?

A: I have no access to hormones at the present time (though I have some leads on that front). Therefore any physical changes in the short run will be very modest at best. Also, I am at a vulnerable point in my career, so I have to be very careful with that. I don't have a coherent female presentation together--if I do transition I'm likely to present on the butch side of things. Lots of sweaters and jeans and stuff.

Q: I see. Any positives?

A: Yes. I've been gradually building up a support network here and elsewhere. People in my field know who trans people are since someone prominent transitioned a while back. If I were to land a stable job somewhere, I might have some breathing room to work things out. If I do manage to get hormones, physical changes might come in more than expected. And the more changes happen (particularly with facial hair removal), the more I want.

Q: So this thing has a logic of its own?

A: Yep.

Q: What do your friends think?

A: They think that there's no way this will work, because I'm too masculine.

Q: Well, are you?

A: Probably. Hasn't stopped others.

Q: What timetable are we looking at?

A: Well, I have to lie low at least for this year and most of next. So this will give me time to try and find hormones--before I break one of my weakened bones. It will also give me time to work out some kind of presentable female presentation. I might not like it, in which case I revert to this sort of androgynously masculine thing I have going on now. But who knows if I'd like it?

Q: Are there any policy implications of all of this?

A: Actually, kind of. I think that transgender care should be a lot more flexible, since people who are really trans come in all shapes and sizes and gender identities. It's also common, from what I hear, for people to first try something androgynous but then to decide to go further. Also, the quality of trans care in most places is simply appalling.

Besides that, I've begun to notice LOTS of misogyny and especially transmisogyny out there. Knock that stuff off. I've become something of an instant feminist (of a live and let live sort).

Q: What about personal advice?

A: Part of me wonders whether or not I would have liked a more standard female configuration below. I didn't have enough money for one, and the need to deal with that problem was overwhelming. Knowing that I'm super sensitive to absolutely anything, it might not have worked out well, but there is a chance it might have.

Q: Wow, that is a lot.

A: Yep. I never thought that I would get to this point. There's still only a small chance that I will make a full transition, but that chance is up from a year ago.

Q: Is that all for now?

A: Yes, I think so. It will take some time to digest, like an overcooked schnitzel.