Beta Read ? The Janitor (working title, a story in three parts)

[JoaoGenerico (imported)]

I want resume my writing in the archives, but I want to try having some aid, because every time I read my past stories I cringe at every mistake.

I am working on a three part series. The first part sets up the man and his profession. The second part will give background information on how he has lost his dick. The last part will explain how he is coping. The first part has no sex. The second part will have mostly straight sex and the penectomy. The third part will have mostly gay sex and implied castration.

I am trying to keep the protagonist unnamed and give very minimal physical description about him, to let each one fill in the blanks, but maybe this is somewhat gimmicky?

[JoaoGenerico (imported)]

Without further ado:

* * *

He was the janitor at one of the busiest restrooms in Central Manhattan, but his janitorial role was actually quite small: the automatic plumbing and the industrial Roombas did most of the work. He would only intervene if something extraordinary happened (nine out of ten times, graffiti or a clogged toilet), when he would fetch another robot, let it work, and put it away. On the rarest occasion a patron would make a real mess, he was instructed to call a man-in-yellow and step back.

If those were his only chores, everyone in Brooklyn would be willing to do them, and he would probably earn as little as the brokers, lawyers and managers who frequented the place. His five-figure salary was justified by the horrible boredom of that work.

And maybe by his attendance duties. Telling the truth, he was not quite sure whether they made the job better or worse. Certainly they broke the routine. They also gave him the opportunity to exercise skills above the ones of a trained hamster. But it was a mixed blessing, because they were quite unpleasant.

Attendance worked like that: typically, the patron who wanted his help would walk to a urinal, face it like on normal, self-service use, and raise his hand. Sometimes, they would cough in a theatrical manner, to ensure being noticed.

This was the cue for the janitor to silently put himself to the left if the patron, take out his white gloves and pass an arm behind the patron, effectively embracing him. With this same hand, the janitor would open the patron’s flyer, reach for his penis and gently pull it. He would quickly assess, tactilely and visually, the member in his hands and position it optimally for urination to begin.

This was more complicated than it may sound, because many variables were at stake, including the size of the organ, the exact position of the urethral meatus, and above all, the presence and tightness of the prepuce. This last one was particularly critical, as a loose foreskin was better slightly pushed back, to expose the glans and warrant a cleaner and more comfortable micturation. But on a phimotic client this could be disastrous, because the resulting pain could ruin the entire experience.

After the stream would stop, the most delicate part took place. The janitor would gently shake the penis three times, with the right rhythm to provide a satisfying sense of completion. He would then reach the glans with his left hand and very softly mop it with a small pad of pressed cotton. If there was a foreskin, he would unroll it over the glans, to keep it protected. He would then very delicately put the appendage back in its place, and after ensuring it was safely out of reach of the treacherous zipper teeth, he would zip up the flyer.

Before the Final Crash of 2029, it was usual for clients to leave him a small tip. But nowadays, the best he could hope was a barely audible “thksby” — and even that was rare. He did not mind: money from tips was irrelevant, and the Company paid him very well to put up with this kind of attitude. He would just rub his hands with a squirt of antiseptic moisturizing lotion, put back his gloves and go discreetly back to his post besides the urinals.

Few patrons requested his services, but each new request roused a wave of contradictory emotions. The humiliation of prostituting himself to touch other guys so intimately. The spark of action in his dull journey. The anticipation of the nauseating sweet musk of another men’s crotch. The pride of a job well done, after his former profession was robbed of him.

Above all, the caustic reminder that he was less than all those people, less than all those men, for his body did not bear even the tiniest stump of a penis. His once cherished member lied shrivelled, dead and cold in the darkness of his bedside drawer.

[Paolo]

Only one complaint:

When you have a reader stumble over a word like "micturation", or a "phimotic client," it detracts from the story. Don't fall into the "adverb abuse" category, either. Not every action needs one.

It's an interesting beginning. One wonders why the guy is in that line of work, or why they even have it.

[JoaoGenerico (imported)]

Thank you for the feedback ! I'll tone down the "lexical exuberance" and mind the adverb creep.

[Kortpeel (imported)]

Thank you for the feedback ! I'll tone down the "lexical exuberance" and mind the adverb creep.

Adverb creep, agreed, he wrote ingratiatingly.

Lexical exuberance? I love it. And if anyone on this board doesn't know what mik-, mictor- er, pissing is he should look it up. A little light education in the course of reading a story is good for the reader.

Strikes me as a very promising story.

Kortpeel

[P.P.Herz (imported)]

Yeah, sorry Paolo, I have to agree with Kortpeel here -- I enjoy a nice vocabulary-stretching every now and again, and it doesn't throw me out of the story at all. (Bad spelling, bad punctuation or other grammar issues, using the wrong word because you meant to type penectomy but the closest your spell-checker recognized was appendectomy: all those throw me out of a story infinitely more than a word or two I might have to think about for a moment to recall the meaning of or, heavens forfend, determine from context or look up in that far-distant Google tab.)

YMMV and probably does. But I think there are enough stories in the archive written at "newspaper level" that having a few that throw around more 12-cent words would be the better way to please more readers. I am of course biased.

[P.P.Herz (imported)]

I want resume my writing in the archives, but I want to try having some aid, because every time I read my past stories I cringe at every mistake.

I think every author, artist, musician etc. feels this way when they look back at their work. It never measures up to how it looked in your head... but remember you're the only one comparing it to the version in your head!

I am working on a three part series. The first part sets up the man and his profession. The second part will give background information on how he has lost his dick. The last part will explain how he is coping. The first part has no sex. The second part will have mostly straight sex and the penectomy. The third part will have mostly gay sex and implied castration.

I am trying to keep the protagonist unnamed and give very minimal physical description about him, to let each one fill in the blanks, but maybe this is somewhat gimmicky?

The story is very interesting so far. Your planned three-part story, as outlined, seems like a good storytelling choice.

The approach you've chosen could come across as "gimmicky" if it weren't well-handled, but I think you made a good decision choosing to let the reader fill in the blanks -- appearance and even name -- based on the first part you posted. It "works" in this story, and adds to both the sense that the narrator's world is different than the one we know, and also to the reader's ability to identify with him.

Now I'm going to go through the part you posted with a fine-toothed editing comb...

[P.P.Herz (imported)]

He was the janitor at one of the busiest restrooms in Central Manhattan, but his janitorial role was actually quite small: the automatic plumbing and the industrial Roombas did most of the work.

that colon : should probably be a semicolon ;

He would only intervene if something extraordinary happened (nine out of ten times, graffiti or a clogged toilet), when he would fetch another robot, let it work, and put it away. On the rarest occasion a patron would make a real mess, he was instructed to call a man-in-yellow and step back.

think this sentence should have begun "On the rarest occasions, when a patron"

If those were his only chores, everyone in Brooklyn would be willing to do them, and he would probably earn as little as the brokers, lawyers and managers who frequented the place.

love the idea of a future when janitors would make better salaries than lawyers or Wall Street types!

His five-figure salary was justified by the horrible boredom of that work.

for clarity, maybe say "the horrible boredom of those aspects of his work" instead?

And maybe by his attendance duties. maybe add an "also" or "as well" after "duties"

Telling the truth, he was not quite sure whether they made the job better or worse.

"To tell the truth, he" -- also why "was not" there instead of "wasn't"?

Certainly they broke the routine. They also gave him the opportunity to exercise skills above the ones of a trained hamster. But it was a mixed blessing, because they were quite unpleasant.

"quite unpleasant duties." unless you meant "quite unpleasant skills."

Attendance worked like that: typically, the patron who wanted his help would walk to a urinal, face it like on normal, self-service use, and raise his hand.

did you mean "Attendance worked like that:" i.e. like what was described previous to this sentence, or "Attendance worked like this:" i.e. like what will be described after the colon?

Sometimes, they would cough in a theatrical manner, to ensure being noticed.

This was the cue for the janitor to silently put himself to the left if the patron, take out his white gloves and pass an arm behind the patron, effectively embracing him.

"to the left if the patron," that "if" should be "of"; you might also consider replacing "put" with "position" and clarify that the janitor puts on the white gloves rather than just taking them "out" -- or did you mean him to take them off?

With this same hand, the janitor would open the patron’s flyer, reach for his penis and gently pull it.

"flyer" refers to either something that flies or a pamphlet, while the opening at the front of trousers often closed by zipper and/or buttons is the "fly"; you might also want to add "out" or "forward" or "free" after "gently pull it."

He would quickly assess, tactilely and visually, the member in his hands and position it optimally for urination to begin.

need a comma , after "hands"

This was more complicated than it may sound, because many variables were at stake, including the size of the organ, the exact position of the urethral meatus, and above all, the presence and tightness of the prepuce. This last one was particularly critical, as a loose foreskin was better slightly pushed back, to expose the glans and warrant a cleaner and more comfortable micturation. But on a phimotic client this could be disastrous, because the resulting pain could ruin the entire experience.

the entire preceding paragraph is made of awesome, IMO

After the stream would stop, the most delicate part took place.

"After the stream stopped" (no "would"); also, "part" by itself feels a bit informal after the sentences it follows... maybe say "procedure" or "part of the process" or "element of the procedure"

The janitor would gently shake the penis three times, with the right rhythm to provide a satisfying sense of completion. He would then reach the glans with his left hand and very softly mop it with a small pad of pressed cotton.

"reach toward the glans"

If there was a foreskin, he would unroll it over the glans, to keep it protected.

saying "to keep the latter protected" would clarify that the glans and not the foreskin is the "it" which needs protection

He would then very delicately put the appendage back in its place, and after ensuring it was safely out of reach of the treacherous zipper teeth, he would zip up the flyer.

again "fly" not "flyer"

Before the Final Crash of 2029, it was usual for clients to leave him a small tip. But nowadays, the best he could hope was a barely audible “thksby” — and even that was rare. He did not mind: money from tips was irrelevant, and the Company paid him very well to put up with this kind of attitude.

another colon : that should probably be a semicolon ;

He would just rub his hands with a squirt of antiseptic moisturizing lotion, put back his gloves and go discreetly back to his post besides the urinals.

"put back his gloves" needs to be changed to some variation of either "put his gloves back on" or "put his gloves back away" but I'm still not sure which you meant; also, I think you meant "beside the urinals" i.e. next to them and not "besides the urinals" i.e. in addition to them -- thank you for using the correct "discreetly" though, it drives me nuts when people mix up discreet and discrete!

Few patrons requested his services, but each new request roused a wave of contradictory emotions.

this sentence should end in a colon : rather than a fullstop/period . since the dependent clauses that follow it are members of the category it's describing, "contradictory emotions" (don't think you need to re-punctuate the following sentence fragments into a series of phrases set off by semi-colons, though; it works fine as is)

The humiliation of prostituting himself to touch other guys so intimately.

that "guys" is another jarringly-informal word... "males" maybe?

The spark of action in his dull journey.

not sure "journey" is the best word there, do you mean his life?

The anticipation of the nauseating sweet musk of another men

’s crotch. "nauseating sweet musk" -- can't tell if this should be "nauseatingly sweet musk" (meaning the sweetness is nauseating) or either "nauseating/sweet musk" or "nauseating-yet-sweet musk" (meaning the musk is simultaneously pleasant and unpleasant every time)

The pride of a job well done, after his former profession was robbed of him.

"robbed of him" = his former profession is now deprived of him; "taken from him" or "stolen from him" (or "he was robbed of his former profession") = he is now deprived of his former profession

Above all, the caustic reminder that he was less than all those people, less than all those men, for his body did not bear even the tiniest stump of a penis. His once cherished member lied shrivelled, dead and cold in the darkness of his bedside drawer.

"once-cherished member lay shrivelled"