I think Santa's a woman (and the rebuttal)

[Danya (imported)]

I think Santa Claus is a woman....and the rebuttal (from Mirthologist and Clinical Psychologist Steven Sultanoff, PhD (http://www.humormatters.com/holidays/Ch ... 0woman.htm))

I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she. Think

about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social

deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!

For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting

gifts until Christmas Eve. It's as if they are all frozen in some kind of

Ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec. 24th, when they --with

amazing calm --call other errant men and plan for a last-minute shopping

spree.

Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco

products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. (You

might think this would send them into a fit of panic and guilt, but my

husband tells me it's an enormous relief because it lessens the 11th hour

decision-making burden.) On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a

woman. Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake

up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree,

still in the bag.

Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there.

First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead,

gutted and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed,

desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack

would already be on the way to the taxidermist. Even if the male Santa

DID have reindeer, he'd still have transportation problems because he

would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then

refuse to stop and ask for directions. Add to this the fact that there

would be unavoidable delays in the chimney, where the Bob Vila-like

Santa would stop to inspect and repoint bricks in the flue. He would also

need to check for carbon monoxide fumes in every gas fireplace, and

get under every Christmas tree that is crooked to straighten it to a

perfectly upright 90-degree angle.

Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:

Men can't pack a bag.

Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.

Men would feel their masculinity is threatened...having to be seen with

all those elves.

Men don't answer their mail.

Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in jest

as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly."

Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.

Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit their ability to

pick up women.

Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.

And Now The Rebuttal

- Contributions by Kreme & Wefish

WE WROTE:

I think Santa Claus is a woman....I hate to be the one

to defy a sacred myth, but I believe he's a she.

Think about it...

For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think

about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve.

THE REBUTTAL:

And when does Santa deliver his presents? The Friday after

Thanksgiving when the malls are open for 20 hours? I don't

think so. Christmas Eve deliveries are irrefutable proof that

Mr. Claus is a man.

WE WROTE:

And a male Santa would inevitably have transportation problems

because he would get lost up there in the snow and clouds and

then refuse to stop and ask for directions.

THE REBUTTAL:

Santa uses a reindeer so drunk his nose is glowing as his

navigator. You think a woman would allow those cute deer

to work on Christmas Eve? In the cold? A female Claus would

dress those poor deer in sweaters and booties.

WE WROTE:

- Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.

THE REBUTTAL:

When was the last time you saw a woman in a red velvet suit?

The fact Santa can ignore "fashion" and wear the same suit

for 500 years proves he couldn't possibly be a woman.

WE WROTE:

- Men don't answer their mail. (Except email of course)

THE REBUTTAL:

And when was the last time Santa answered a letter?

Like, never.

WE WROTE:

- Men aren't interested in stockings UNLESS somebody's

wearing them.

THE REBUTTAL:

And women aren't interested in stockings unless someone

better looking than them is wearing them.

WE WROTE:

- Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit

their ability to pick up babes.

THE REBUTTAL:

As many presents as Santa delivers he has no trouble

with babes. It's amazing how grateful a woman is when

you deliver a nice diamond solitaire or electric socks.

WE WROTE:

- Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require

a commitment

THE REBUTTAL:

And also requires the ability to stay up for 24 hours

straight in the cold with a bunch of mangy deer and going

up and down soot infested chimneys. You think a woman would

go down a chimney and risk staining that red velvet? Of

course not. Commitment also requires that Christmas is the

same day each year.

With a female Santa, Christmas would be late because she'd

have to touch-up her makeup and do her hair after leaving

each house. Let's face it, Santa Claus is, and always

has been, a guy.

[MacTheWolf (imported)]

Danya

I am forced to agree with you and break traditional belief, Old Saint Nick is really Mrs Claus, a woman or very good cross-dresser.

I think River, TheOtherSide and Jesus might agree

[Ernie of Maine (imported)]

I think Santa Claus is a woman....and the rebuttal (from Mirthologist and Clinical Psychologist Steven Sultanoff, PhD (http://www.humormatters.com/holidays/Ch ... 0woman.htm))

I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she. Think

about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social

deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!

For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting

gifts until Christmas Eve. It's as if they are all frozen in some kind of

Ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec. 24th, when they --with

amazing calm --call other errant men and plan for a last-minute shopping

spree.

Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco

products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. (You

might think this would send them into a fit of panic and guilt, but my

husband tells me it's an enormous relief because it lessens the 11th hour

decision-making burden.) On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a

woman. Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake

up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree,

still in the bag.

Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there.

First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead,

gutted and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed,

desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack

would already be on the way to the taxidermist. Even if the male Santa

DID have reindeer, he'd still have transportation problems because he

would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then

refuse to stop and ask for directions. Add to this the fact that there

would be unavoidable delays in the chimney, where the Bob Vila-like

Santa would stop to inspect and repoint bricks in the flue. He would also

need to check for carbon monoxide fumes in every gas fireplace, and

get under every Christmas tree that is crooked to straighten it to a

perfectly upright 90-degree angle.

Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:

Men can't pack a bag.

Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.

Men would feel their masculinity is threatened...having to be seen with

all those elves.

Men don't answer their mail.

Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in jest

as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly."

Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.

Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit their ability to

pick up women.

Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.

And Now The Rebuttal

- Contributions by Kreme & Wefish

WE WROTE:

I think Santa Claus is a woman....I hate to be the one

to defy a sacred myth, but I believe he's a she.

Think about it...

For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think

about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve.

THE REBUTTAL:

And when does Santa deliver his presents? The Friday after

Thanksgiving when the malls are open for 20 hours? I don't

think so. Christmas Eve deliveries are irrefutable proof that

Mr. Claus is a man.

WE WROTE:

And a male Santa would inevitably have transportation problems

because he would get lost up there in the snow and clouds and

then refuse to stop and ask for directions.

THE REBUTTAL:

Santa uses a reindeer so drunk his nose is glowing as his

navigator. You think a woman would allow those cute deer

to work on Christmas Eve? In the cold? A female Claus would

dress those poor deer in sweaters and booties.

WE WROTE:

- Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.

THE REBUTTAL:

When was the last time you saw a woman in a red velvet suit?

The fact Santa can ignore "fashion" and wear the same suit

for 500 years proves he couldn't possibly be a woman.

WE WROTE:

- Men don't answer their mail. (Except email of course)

THE REBUTTAL:

And when was the last time Santa answered a letter?

Like, never.

WE WROTE:

- Men aren't interested in stockings UNLESS somebody's

wearing them.

THE REBUTTAL:

And women aren't interested in stockings unless someone

better looking than them is wearing them.

WE WROTE:

- Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit

their ability to pick up babes.

THE REBUTTAL:

As many presents as Santa delivers he has no trouble

with babes. It's amazing how grateful a woman is when

you deliver a nice diamond solitaire or electric socks.

WE WROTE:

- Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require

a commitment

THE REBUTTAL:

And also requires the ability to stay up for 24 hours

straight in the cold with a bunch of mangy deer and going

up and down soot infested chimneys. You think a woman would

go down a chimney and risk staining that red velvet? Of

course not. Commitment also requires that Christmas is the

same day each year.

With a female Santa, Christmas would be late because she'd

have to touch-up her makeup and do her hair after leaving

each house. Let's face it, Santa Claus is, and always

has been, a guy.

You know youe confusing the joly old elf with men. Santa Claus is magic elf you know that don't you? And were would He fined someone to ask for directions flying alone like that? Now as for packing i ( as a man)can pack very well and mose men can if push comes shove can to. What color do you sirpose the Brithish Army uniform is? Raindeer aren"t game;)Ernie

[Riverwind (imported)]

Santa is a myth, however Father Yule has been doing that job for 3000 years.

River

I know its a mother of a job but its a Mans Job.

[twaddler (imported)]

Santa is a myth, however Father Yule has been doing that job for 3000 years.

River

I know its a mother of a job but its a Mans Job.

Bah! Krampus (http://i86.photobucket.com/albums/k87/M ... e_xmas.jpg) would serve Father Yule a log he'd never forget.

[Eunics Wife (imported)]

One thing we do know for sure about Santa, is that he only cums once a year, and that's down a chimney.

[lust4nutlessboiz (imported)]

Actually the old ho-ho-ho guy is a cross dresser and has taken the name "PANTY CLAUS."

[Danya (imported)]

Danya

I am forced to agree with you and break traditional belief, Old Saint Nick is really Mrs Claus, a woman or very good cross-dresser.

I think River, TheOtherSide and Jesus might agree

Hey MacTheWolf,

I need to go back in the chat room once in awhile. I always had fun when I r

an into you there.

I like the cross-dresser take on this.

You know youe confusing the joly old elf with men. Santa Claus is magic elf you know that don't you? And were would He fined someone to ask for directions flying alone like that? Now as for packing i ( as a man)can pack very well and mose men can if push comes shove can to. What color do you sirpose

the Brithish Army uniform is? Raindeer aren"t game;)Ernie

Ernie, I remember seeing a Santa movie with Dudley Moore as one of the elves. I may be confusing the movie with one of the Archive stories ("Santa's New Elf (http://www.eunuch.org/Alpha/S/ea_225211santa_s_.htm)" by one of our prolific, and very fine writers, Paolo). It seems elves may, after all, be sexless (genderless??). Yo

u make a good point about 'the jolly old elf' Those handsome Brits do look very manly in those red uniforms, too.

Santa is a my

th, however Father Yule has been doing that job for 3000 years.

River

I know its a mother

of a job but its a Mans Job.

River, my pal, I fear I have never seen Santa or Father Yule, but if he's been doing this for 3000 years perhaps he'

s too tired to keep going!

Ba

h! Krampus (http://i86.photobucket.com/albums/k87/M ... e_xmas.jpg) would serve

Father Yule a log he

'd never forget.

As always, postatracura, your humor is matchless! I love your

clever avatar, btw.

One thing we do know for sure about Santa, is that he only cums once a year, and that's down a chimney.

True, but this doesn't sound like a particularly sexy way to go about it!

Actually the old ho-ho-ho guy is a cross dresser and has taken the name "PANTY CLAUS."

Panty Claus, that's an original! I like it.

[A-1 (imported)]

Santa's Helper (http://us.123rf.com/400wm/400/400/dolga ... 912628.jpg) certainly is a woman...

...one thing sure... THIS ONE (http://us.123rf.com/400wm/400/400/dolga ... 886725.jpg) can play with MY bag any time...

Can ANGELS (http://us.123rf.com/400wm/400/400/dolga ... 788327.jpg) really fly?

ELVES (http://us.123rf.com/400wm/400/400/peppe ... 943651.jpg) make for good company on long winter nights...

I don't want to hear anything about ho ho ho, either...