May be.. are you at "zero", if so how does it feel, how did you get there?

I so much want to live without any testosterone, and I've seriously tried to live without it and live as a true Eunuch, since getting castrated 27 years ago, (I've tried hundreds of times), but every time when i make it to about 8 weeks, I fail, and go back to taking T. Why? I get to feeling very ...